Studio Ghibli

For the past week or so I've been consistently watching one Studio Ghibli movie every evening as I eat dinner.

At first I just watched them because I felt it was a shame and a waste to not do so since I brought them all the way from KK but now it's like an addiction.

Because in every movie, each and every one of them, I learn something new and I feel myself getting emotionally and spiritually stronger somehow. In a way, I'm finding my emotions again; my childhood rushing back into my memories and evoking all the feelings that I thought I had lost ever since I came here.

It took me a long time to actually start to feel anything.

The first time I cried was while I watched 'My Neighbors The Yamadas' and it really surprised me because compared to the previous ones I watched, this was more light-hearted and the drawings were really intended for a lively audience, no realism to it or what realism it did have was not much.
I remember my exact thoughts as I watched it.
The family members kept asking each other to go give the dad an umbrella at the train station but no one wanted to go so the dad got fed up and was about to hang up when the mom asked him to buy pork but he refused. However, he bought it in the end despite resisting at first and at that moment I just thought he was stupid. How could he still be so nice to people who just left him behind?
And then he met them on the way home and I somehow did not expect that so when he I saw that his family had went out to meet him with his umbrella I felt tears rolling from my eyes.

In a way this is good but from another perspective it's bad because the more I watch these movies, the more reluctant I am to going back to reality and I hesitate to even believe that I am living in the real world some times.

It's like I'm trying my best to relive my childhood at this point in my life where I'm supposed to take a step into the adult world but it's so scary, this world of responsibility that awaits me.

As I spend more time here in this country, the more I become aware about what most people are like and what they want and having that knowledge is a burden and a gift at the same time.

I start to wonder if I will ever become like that or if I will fall to temptation too easily. Will I find another person who thinks the way that I do?

Yesterday I just realised that I don't have any real friends here, not one. You must not confuse this with the word 'friends' because they are two separate things. The word 'friends' also can't be associated with the word 'acquaintances' because an acquaintance is someone that you recognise and you might know their name but a 'friend' is one that you are familiar with and have listening sessions with.

Listening sessions? Whatever could I possibly mean with that? Don't I mean conversations? No.

There is a difference and I know how to differentiate between the two.

While I was discussing with my group mates yesterday, one of whom is supposedly a good friend of mine, there came a moment where I talked about myself and that's when I realised that in the whole year and a few months that I've been here, I've hardly ever talked about myself, my history, my past, anything concerning me. My good friend went on to say "I never know how many siblings you have" despite the fact that I have shown her all of my sibling's photos in the past.

And why, why do I hardly talk about myself?

Because no one cares and wants to listen to me. It is always me who listens.

That was one of the reasons why I felt a bit surprised when they allowed me to talk for more than 2 minutes regarding a bit of myself yesterday and when they found out stuff about me they were shocked.

Because they never knew me. They concentrate too much on talking about themselves and less on others.

I was interrupted soon after I began speaking though and I just shut up and listened to them, looking at each other, ready to produce something else to say and out-speak the other conversation holder. It was like they were eyeing each other's neck.

This good friend of mine also constantly looks down on me. I've had that feeling since we became friends but I can't do much about that because even though I've proven her wrong time and time again, she still doesn't change her opinion of me.

But anyhow, back to the subject of Studio Ghibli, watching the movies make me feel like it's okay if I haven't found any real friend yet because I am sure to find them as long as I am a person who is good and true.

I could go on but it will take a lot of time and words to truly express myself even though it feels much better to type it out rather than to horde them in my brain every day. I'm still an android now and I hardly show my true self to anyone but myself. It's a dull pain, living every day with these thoughts running through my head and I don't know what will make them go away.

I wish some of it would go away.

Intuition

Sometimes I think that I'm just lucky when it comes to assignments; getting overwhelmingly positive feedback from my professors and what not.

When we did our presentation a lot of people came over to listen to us and I think that they weren't too bored with it as opposed to the other previous presentations before us. Our professors only had issues with the way we graphically represented our ideas but other than that they didn't really criticise us and even gave us more suggestions in order to improve our project.

Our main professor even said that he loved our project and after our presentation and while we were about to start with the next presentation another professor suddenly tapped me on my shoulder and when I turned to look at him he nodded at me, pointed at our pin-ups and said "Your project is really good" to which I could only smile and thank him because I'm socially awkward like that.

But because of all the nice things that they said I also felt so embarrassed when they kept complimenting us, especially when they kept complimenting the images that I drew. It got to a point where I had to hide my face because I was certain that I would I grin widely and cry at the same time but thankfully I regained my composure after 5 seconds.

One of the drawings that they loved.

What surprises me every time is that I'm not so passionate about architecture and neither do I aspire to be an architect and yet every (really, I'm not exaggerating) project that I've been in has been well received by the professors. Moreover, I don't even study or know much about architecture.

While watching Porco Rosso just now (one of Studio Ghibli's movies if you don't know) something one of the characters said caught my attention.

"What makes a good sea pilot?"

Porco's answer: "Intuition"

And applying that to my situation, I think that I have fairly good intuition.

And because of that, I think that's what separates me from a lot of people and this separation is really quite apparent in my opinion because I never feel like a human here. I always feel like I'm on display and people just watch me. Of course there're people who come near me and talk to me but most of the time everyone's keeping their distance.

I only truly feel human when I'm with my family.

I don't think I can be understood well, in fact, I never think that I actually understand myself.

I am both a paradox and a hypocrite, if I can use both words in one sentence to describe myself.

Anyway I should get back to life and try to be as normal as possible. Whatever normal is anyway.

I am not rich and my family isn't wealthy

So right now I feel like a freaking, stupid, idiotic human who doesn't deserve the wonderful parents I have.

What the hell possessed me into spending 220 Euros????????

It was like I wasn't even thinking.

I feel so disappointed in myself. I don't know why I was so stupid enough to let my guard and common sense down.

Luckily my sisters suggested that I could hand it back and I can't imagine why I didn't think of that in the first place.

So tomorrow directly after school, I'm going to try and give back the things that I bought.

Such unnecessary spending oh gosh.

You stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid fool.

Why did you do that???????????

Please God, let me be able to give them back. Please. Please. Please.

White hairs and other stories

Time for another rant.

First off; I have no idea what to do for my assignment. I feel so stressed at the fact that this time around I lack the confidence to actually pursue a certain goal or an objective for this assignment.

I mean, I have an idea about it but I have no idea whatsoever as to how to actually execute it while making it as creative as possible without losing the necessary data and values.

Where do I even begin?

Second; I just discovered that I have to find more documents for my residence permit and normally I wouldn't feel too stressed out about that but in November our class might have a trip to Berlin and I might not get to go since my appointment with the questura is in November and making the card might take up to one month.

Or worse, two months.

And if the worst case scenario happens, I won't be able to visit my sister in the UK for Christmas and that was the one thing that kept me going, that made me still strive to do well in my studies.

Oh gosh. Why oh why.

And the third thing can just be swept up into a pile that I'd like to call Small Nonsense that Doesn't Matter But Still Bugs Me. Oh gosh oh gosh.

I really think that I'd love to just sleep. When I'm asleep, I completely forget about reality and then I feel safe.

Why can't I ever feel safe?

Strangely motivated?

Sometimes I get to the point where I really want to achieve great success by becoming an architect.

Yesterday I arrived late for my design studio class and I think that I made myself memorable to my professor since I'm not from China despite my Chinese appearance and during the desk-crit yesterday he made more eye-contact with me when compared to my other team mates.

My first few words to him was "I'm sorry for coming late" and after my brief introduction and him showing interest in the fact that I come from Southeast Asia I said "Am I supposed to say anything else?" and then he said "If you want to."

And so I proceeded to say "I really like this studio...?"

He smiled and thanked me, saying that it was too early to tell but he appreciated what I said.

He was also impressed with my name somewhat as the way the way it's spelt was not in the usual way that he would pronounce things. Not like I'm making myself clear on what I'm trying to explain by that but I hope you get the gist of it... Somewhat...

And the thing that still remains in my mind is the fact that he smiled to me and said "You do know there's a famous person who has the same name as you?"

"Yes, she's from Mexico right?"

"Hahaha yes. Maybe there'll be a second famous person with the same name."

And I couldn't help but feel pleased and I thanked him rather happily.

Although he doesn't know that I intend to pursue a different direction instead of architecture.

But when I get into a project, sometimes I feel like I really want to make it work and become an architect but then again, that is more like a 'I really want this to be amazing' thing I have going instead of 'I really want to be an architect.'

He also said that we should keep a journal.

Little does he know that I have been keeping one AHAHAHAHAHA.

Anyway I'll be going off early to do some work in the uni's library since I'll be more spirited to do research there as opposed to me staying here, in my comfy room.

... Another one of those phases

I felt too tired today when I woke up and it's not like I even did anything big yesterday and I actually slept early so I really felt pissed at myself for not being able to keep myself awake during class.

And as soon as I got back I decided to take a nap before going to the gym but in the end I was too tired to go to the gym. I will go tomorrow hopefully.

And now I feel so... weird. I don't know what to call this phenomenon, the one where I go into a silent blue phase and don't feel like talking to anyone or doing anything productive.

It's always at that point that I decide to type these feelings out here.

Sometimes I really just feel like doing vlogs instead of writing things down but rationally thinking, there'll be a lot more responsibility going into that and by that I mean that whatever you say will no longer be anonymous and people could potentially hurt you or your loved ones with what you put up.

I really felt so unproductive just now mainly because I wanted to take a shower before I started researching but there're people out there now and I really don't feel like talking with anyone so I guess that I'll just do some research after this before I take my shower and hit the sack.

I really am starting to wonder who I am.

I know I'm a lot more comfortable with the way that I present myself now as compared to this exact time last year but still, I don't think I ever will.

Side note for a bit, have you guys read Lay's message on Weibo for his birthday?

And I'm don't know why but I really believe that we have the same brainwave length after reading his message. It's so considerate and sweet and extremely humble. He's so pure and fresh, do guys like him really exist??? I really wonder that sometimes.

I... I really need to concentrate on my goals here.

Every time after I watch or read something related to him, I always get more fired up to work harder so yes, thank you YiXing. I will do my research after this.

For now, that's the only thing that's able to get me out of this silent blue.

Yeah, I think that's what I'll call it. Silent blue.

I really wonder how people perceive me. Why? Because I really don't feel like I am truly myself except when I'm with my family members.

But anyway, I will get to work done now.

And I don't want to shop for anything more; food-wise and clothes-wise.

I live near one of my class mates and we are always awkward whenever we are alone together, I don't know why, so yesterday we were on our way home at the same time and then to get myself out I said I had to go to Carrefour and he said the same... So yeah.

He's a nice guy, it's just that I don't know what to talk about with him since we're both listening type of people.

That's it for now! Feeling much better somewhat. :)

Blue Monday

Initially I really felt reluctant to go out with my friends because A] I lost my ATM card yet again and B] I was really worn out from going to the lecture and seeing certain people that I didn't want to see.

But I went in the end, mostly because I wanted to live up to my promise of seeing my friends again.

It was great to really hang out with them and I kept thinking to myself, so these are my night hang out buddies, as stupid as that sounds but it is true.

Then two of them started to drink more and one of my other friends decided to take charge of the whole situation to make sure that they behaved themselves.

At one point when I got tipsy, we started talking about the people that we used to like in our course and then I said his name and then the in-charge friend said stuff about how they once hung out with each other and that he isn't the kind of guy to settle into a serious relationship.

What surprised me most is that she said that I am better than him and that it's good that I moved on from him. That was when I thought to myself that him getting another girlfriend was a blessing in disguise.

We ended up at their apartment since one of my drunk friends couldn't stay awake any longer and because I was afraid of going back to my place, I stayed over although one of my other friends started to get a kind of panic attack.

Needless to say, that was an experience I've always wanted to have and now that I have, I feel like I have lived up my youth just a bit but I know that I wouldn't want to do that over and over again. It's tiring and I'd rather sit in front of my laptop and draw or read manga.

Almost everyone was shocked with my appearance since I cut my hair short and I got a lot of nice compliments from a lot of people so it really boosted my confidence. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day since it's Physics.

Buzzed

At a friend's house.  Can't talk much now but I will do a report about this tokorroe tomorrow definitely.

Persuasione - Pagina Trenta Nove, Capitolo Primo

I will now do what Anne Frank used to do while they were in their Secret Annexe; translate foreign language into a language I know in order to learn that foreign language.

Took me 30 minutes to do just one page, a simple one at that, and I feel like I just want to give up but I'm just hoping it'll get easier along the way. I really hope that I'll be able to do at least 5 pages a week. It'd help me improve my Italian loads, I just know it.

And especially now that I have an Italian roommate, I kind of feel more responsible to learn their language.

So without further ado, I will post at least one of the pages I translated up here once a week to keep track of my progress and as a further revision.

Jane Austen - Persuasione (Persuasion)

Sir Walter Elliot di Kellynch Hall, nel Somersetshire, era uomo che, per suo divertimento, non prendeva in mano che un unico libro: l'Albo dei Baronetti. 
Sir Walter Elliot of Kellynch Hall, in Somersetshire, was a man who, for his own amusement, did not(? pretty sure he did take it in his hand =-=) took a single book in his hand: The Register of Baronets.

Leggendo con ammirazione e rispetto il limitato numero delle prime patenti di nobilita, egli si procurava un'occupazione per i momenti d'ozio e un conforto nei momenti difficili.
He read the limited number of the first patents of nobility with admiration and respect, and in doing so, he obtained a moment of idleness and comfort in a time of difficulty.

Questo libro mutava ogni emozione poco gradita, provocata dalle beghe domestiche, in pieta e disprezzo per le innumerevoli nomine dell'ultimo secolo, e se le altre pagine non avevano l'effetto desiderato, poteva sempre leggere la propria storia con inestinguibile interesse.
This book made each of his emotion become unpleasant, caused by the domestic squabbles, in pity and contempt in the countless nominations of the last century, and if the other pages did not have the desired effect, he could always read his own story with unquenchable interest.

Il volume preferito si apriva sempre a questa pagina, Elliot di Kellynch Hall <>.
In his colume of preference, he always opened this page, Elliot of Kellynch Hall <>.

Cosi appariva in modo testuale il paragrafo originariamente uscito dalle mani del tipografo, ma Sir Walter lo aveva migliorato aggiungendovi, per informazione propria e della famiglia, queste parole sotto la data di nascita di Mary: <>, ed aveva inserito con molta precisione il giorno e il mesi in cui aveva perso sua moglie.
Thus it appeared in text in the original paragraph made by the hands of the printer, but Sir Walter had added a refinement, for his and his ow family's information, these words under Mary's date of birth:<>, and had inserted the day and month in which he had lost his wife with great precision.

And that's all.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Man I'm slow at this but at the very least I'm learning new words and I can now understand more things. Hopefully this will become a habit and I won't spend too much time on YouTube.

Edit: Oh gosh, a heck load of words got erased cause I put it between '<>' so.... AHAHAAHAHAHA 30 minutes of my life wasted. And I don't think I'll be that diligent to type it all out again. Never mind, lesson learnt.

In a quiet empty space

I'm really feeling the homesickness now. It really took some time to kick in but now that it's here I feel like I'm in this bubble of nothingness and black spaces.

I'm doing things to occupy my time but nothing seems to be really working out and honestly I feel a bit scared of my own thoughts sometimes.

Nothing really seems to be cheering me up now and I don't really have anything to look forward to when school starts. Maybe Physics. I can totally immerse myself in that and not care about design studio and such. I should've become someone who just learnt about Add Maths and Physics. Hahahaha, I might think the opposite if I had took those up.

Sabah Tea is the best tea in the whole wide world. I'm glad I took them back with me.

I can't even call this place a home. I still feel like I'm in a strange and foreign land and I just couldn't care less about what those people around me think of me. I'm too tired to care how I look like.

But you know what they say, it's always darkest before the dawn.

So maybe something awesome will happen soon. If I could meet EXO in person that would be great hahahahaha.

I want to get obssesed over something again, hopefully over manga making. I seem to be too blue these days to actually stick my head back into it and for the first time ever, I'm actually in the process of planning the panels out. If I could just convince myself to get right back into it, I'd be at it for days and that I'm sure of.

It really feels much better typing all of these out rather than keeping it inside. It feels like I'm actually talking to someone even though I'm not.

Yeah. I feel much better now.

The ticket back to reality

I really did knew it was coming but the day when I'll be leaving home again is finally just around the corner and all I really want to do is crawl under my mom's blankets and wish that I didn't have to grow up.

Here I am, just looking at the pile of junk I have to sort out in order to pack and I kind of know how I'll be packing but I can't seem to make myself want to actually execute things out.

In the first place, there's really nothing whatsoever that is of great meaning to me back in Italy so really, I have nothing to look forward to when I go back there.

The only good thing that I can think about to use to cheer myself up is that I'll have loads of time to concentrate on my dreams and to really put words into motion so yeah, my excitement to go back is practically non-existent. Not even aeroplane rides cheer me up anymore, in fact, it sickens me slightly.

I can already predict that this time around when I go through the immigration counters, I'm going to cry.

I didn't cry the first two times that I left KK but honestly, I think I just realised what a big deal it is to leave people you really love and sincerely care about behind. People that you don't need to act not yourself around. People who can put up with you for who you are and cherish the good things about you.

I really felt alone when I was in Milan and it's the kind of loneliness that you can't put into words.

During bad times, I can even go up to three days of not speaking to anyone except to myself which keeps me up till the wee hours of morning, sitting at my desktop while staring blankly into space. I'm scared that I will do that again.

It's at this point that it is vital that you find a really really really good friend but I have yet to find one. Of course there are some really good people around me but I can never seem to loosen up myself for them and I end up hurting them so it would have been better if I never was in their life to begin with.

I'm scared.

For now I'm going to sort my things out and just decide where to pack what. I don't think I'll be able to sleep well for the next few days.

Absorbing their energy

I got a really good mark and was the girl with the highest mark but I somehow didn't feel happy. Maybe it's because I didn't score 30L or maybe it's because everyone was so down around me, especially my partners, since both of them got 26 so I'm sure they were bewildered as to why I got 30. I don't know why myself.

I'm just thinking about how I really shouldn't care too much about this since it isn't my dream but I find myself caring anyway. Too much sometimes.

And then it makes me all gloomy and unwanting to see the daylight.

Sometimes I really just want to do whatever I like.

But I have another exam to face and hopefully it'll all go well as well.

Exams

I don't know why but I'm feeling really nervous for my exam tomorrow. I feel like I can't sleep well tonight.

But I'll go to sleep soon enough and wake up most probably at 5.30 am to do a last minute check through all my stuff and then go to uni because I don't think I can stomach anything normal now.

Still need to finish a sack of potatoes though. =-=

Why oh why did I buy a sack of potatoes???

I've been working on my drawing both in traditional media and in digital media and I think, hopefully, they're improving and becoming more honest which, frankly, is what I aim to be able to do in my drawings. To show complete honesty and sincerity in them.

Bakuman is a really inspiring manga. Makes me want to chase after my dreams even more.

So I'm going to read another chapter or two and then go take a shower before sleeping a mere 4 hours + because honestly, I'm on a jittery end now.

Math results

I am going to retake the test and hopefully this time I'm not going to be an idiot.

Well at the very least I'll not be wasting my time online after the 18th.

Piledriver Waltz

A song which was most unfortunately not played during the Arctic Monkeys concert in Ferrara and yes it was a bit disappointing but the song line up was still really really really good.

I'm actually quite happy about this first ever concert that I've been to.

For one, it's not some crappy Malaysian artist which I was sort of afraid that I'd lose my first concert experience to that.

Second, Alex Turner sounds a heck lot amazing live.

It was worth the two hour wait to get inside the audience area, worth the one hour wait, standing in the audience area, worth the "mild" pushing and pulling action during Miles Kane's crazy performance (literally) and totally worth the scramble, insane wave of hands and body squishing and squashing throughout the Arctic Monkey's performance.

I was technically jumping out of my own will because everyone around me was jumping. That's how tight it was. My feet were lifted from the ground and that was during Miles Kane's act, not the main event.

Ten minutes into the main event, a huge wave of force came from the back and I somehow successfully stood my ground and was propelled into the second line in front of the stage while my roommate got thrown to the back sadly. In a concert, especially if you're in a moshpit situation, you are truly alone. And you need a heck load of stamina to stand your ground.

When Alex was singing She's Thunderstorms he looked in our direction and without thinking I waved my right hand at him which had been the only one in the air at that time and I swear that he stopped for a moment and we made the briefest eye-contact ever and then he looked elsewhere.

And I'm not the biggest fan ever but oh gosh I now understand why girls find him hot.

For one, he isn't cheap.

A girl was carried above the crowd and she kept saying his name out loud but he never looked her way. He didn't even look at the fan made signs and people would say that he's just cold but I think overall, he just cares a lot about his music. He was so serious the whole time but you could definitely tell that he was having a lot of fun.

Which was probably the crack he was on's doing. But anyway.

We made brief eye contact several times when he came our way and it felt spell bounding hahaha. Too bad someone else got his guitar pick at the supposed end of the show but the band came back after the short intermission and when he realised what he did, he just shrugged and strummed on his acoustic guitar with his fingers to play an acoustic version of Mardy Bum and I can't remember the other song but it was simply amazing.

Spent the night at the train station which was really horrible and I still feel dirty but I really enjoyed the concert. I really hope I can go to the one in Milan in November and get a really good spot again.

Electronic coma

I'm really praying that my phone will be able to last me until I get to Malaysia because it's really in a state of uncontrolled coma. It's my fault that it ended up in this way and I can only hope that my next phone will be cheaper with all the necessary bare essentials so that I won't need to waste much money. It'd be better if it was stronger as well hahaha.

I haven't been really productive lately, I will get to studying maths tonight.

The Wonders

I just read another manga which is really good and so I am just a bit more fired up to study.

I will take a shower and then do a heck load of notes.

Ganbatte! :D

Career woman

Yesterday we had an evaluation review on our final project and truth be truth, I was really scared that I'd get a low mark since our project was extremely simple compared to the rest of my classmates' project.

It was technically an elliptically shaped doughnut.

Maybe it was the concept and the principle behind it, I don't know, but we got an A for it. And only two projects got an A, ours and one Chinese guy.

It could be the way we represented the project as well.

I am truthfully extremely thankful and grateful as well as a bit proud that we got an A because for this project, we spent a lot of time on it. I can't even count the number of hours we took just to make the 1:20 model but it was definitely more than 24 hours.

On a side note, I am also really happy and yes, a bit proud, because the professors really loved the drawings that I drew.

I did the drawing of the plan and section of our building, an extension of an existing aquarium that will contain a shark and a jellyfish, and they couldn't stop saying "Bellissima!" and "Brava!" and it was a bit embarrassing but I felt pleased all the same that they loved it because for that drawing I spent close to 6 hours to complete.

I also did a sketch of how our building looks like in the shark room and in the jellyfish room and they really loved that as well so much that one of them said that it should be framed hahaha. That was really nice of him to say that considering the fact that I really don't think it looked really spectacular.

What made me more happy about it is that the head professor (we got on bad terms with him a couple of weeks ago and he kind of got really pissed at us and I almost cried which is really embarrassing) actually smiled when he saw that drawing as he was on his way to the front of the classroom and we were sitting right in front.

Then he asked "Who is the painter of this drawing?" (lol, I just used colour pencils) and I raised my hand slightly and he complimented me and I felt really happy because, in a way hopefully, it means I have artistic talents so when I pursue my dream, I will be somewhat successful.

I think that I'm very lucky, academically-wise that is.

For some reason, even though I may not be 100% into it, I'm still able to get really good scores.

And that's why, I think, I don't do too well relationship-wise. I am still awkward with a heck lot of my classmates and I'm only really close with some people but that's just the way it is. One of the ways to balance me out I suppose although I don't enjoy it exactly.

It's a bit sad that I don't really dream about becoming architecture as it seems as though I could be successful as an architect.

In the end, I'm just looking for a way to really express myself because, perhaps, that is my main goal in life.

The Knife That Fell Into The Water

The more that I'm plunged into the world of architecture, the more I realise just how much I want to be a mangaka.

I really did thought that it was just a rebellious phase, something which I could use as an escape tool whenever I get bored of being pushed towards something but after several months, I know that I want to do this.

Naturally of course I won't be able to pursue this dream unless I can already support myself and adding to that obstacle, I also don't know how to read, write, or even speak Japanese but I really want to be able to transport someone to another place using illustrations and simple words.

I was reading a manga since yesterday called Oboreru Knife and when I looked at the name of the author/artist who did it, it was a foreigner's name, George Asakura and I thought it was a foreigner but actually she's a Japanese woman. So maybe it'd be okay if a non-Japanese person published something as long as her identity isn't hidden? I'm not sure what I even mean by that.

For now I'm just going to keep drawing and thinking and plotting and hopefully one day I will be able to live in Japan and to fulfill this dream that I have. The only one I have as for now.

And thus, I will now go back to my assignment.

A strong identity

You know, words can't make much sense in my head anymore; always jumping from one thing to another in a chaotic manner.

But the Chaos Theory states that even in chaos, you can find order. I still have yet to find a proper distinguishable one though.

Talking with people and making new friends, it's supposed to make you feel even more connected isn't it?

At least I know why I was a loner to begin with. It's cause I'm such a control-freak and I directly sabotage myself whenever someone tries to get closer with me. Maybe I'm just selfishly protecting myself, not wanting another person to invade in my space.

I'm sure that I like people, really. It's just that whenever they get too close to my comfort zone, I start to behave in such a way that it'd repel them. I guess I still can't trust people too easily but then again, I'm not the only one with this problem.

Small things happen everyday but it doesn't make that day anymore special does it? I'm still unable to differentiate the days, to pin them down with certain memories to it.

It's at this point that I wonder whether or not all of this has anything to do with me giving up on him. In fact, I think that somewhere deep inside, I still have feelings for him, as much as I really hate to admit.

With the cars passing outside and floating laughter from the ground floor, all that I can feel is distance.

I constantly surround myself with people because they make me forget the other side of me but towards the end of the lesson, that other side slowly wakes up and by the time I reach home, I'm as silent as a petrified corpse.

Sometimes when I look inside the mirror and stare back at myself I wonder who that person is, someone who has changed a lot from her high school image, someone I barely recognise. Where did she go? Did I silently kill her in the pursuit of something which was ephemeral?

Assignments and homework are piling up but I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to sit here and stare at the window as the world goes by. I'm sorry.

Strobe Edge

I haven't felt so attached to a manga for such a long time but this kept me up way past my bedtime and I really wanted to have a nice long sleep but somehow the storyline made me want to keep on going.

Maybe it's because I can somewhat relate to it, it's almost like my current situation or should I say, a situation that I went through recently?

This manga, 'Strobe Edge' by Sakisaka Io really gets me thinking.

Not only on the whole relationship thing though, also goal-wise.

Reading the manga makes me realise that I really do want to be a mangaka, someone who's able to make the reader forget reality for awhile and to leave their worries at the door and to just touch these people's hearts and evoke emotion from them.

Maybe I have always been subconscious of this dream of mine.

I've been keeping drawing references from mangas ever since I got this laptop and I don't even know why I started doing so. I just knew that I liked what I saw and I wanted to make a collection of them.

When I saw my roommate compiling pictures and reading books and drawing sketches of buildings and making small models, I realised that I was just the same as her.

I'm always drawing and sketching characters, observing the people around me, eager to listen to people's stories and experiences and eager to relate them together, and always reading a lot of mangas, always dreaming etc.

Before I realised it, I actually became someone who dreams to go to Japan and experience the culture there, like Japan is a shrine or something.

Is this what passion is?

I know with all my heart that I am not extremely talented in drawing or phrasing words or even conveying stories but I really want to try and do this. Really.

So for now I will continue to work hard at my studies but I will continue to pursue my true dreams as well.

Wish me luck. :)

Non-plus

Honestly, what am I doing with my life?

Connections

That's what's been on my mind these days.

Is everyone searching for that certain something in another person that will enable them to have a link that connects these two people together?

Why do they want to have that link in the first place?

Is it so that they have someone to share their feelings, emotions and memories with so that they won't feel so lonely?

So does this mean we're just continuing to search for that one person that makes you feel less lonely?

When you do settle on someone that you just met, then... I'm not sure how to say this... Are you just talking with them in order to find that one link that will connect the two of you that will eventually create more bonds?

What are we looking to build? Honestly?

It's just so random, finding these people that is.

I mean, it could be the person sitting right next to you on the subway but if you never made the move to talk with them, you would've never known. Of course this is an example, not like I ever had any random stranger come up to me and started talking with me.

I feel like I am now just an observer of my living self.

In a more apt term, I'm not living in my body now.

I'm just watching this body do things I programmed it to do and all I do is watch this sequence of events it unfolds due to the choices I made and in a sense, I'm not truly experiencing life and feeling alive.

I'm really not making much sense am I??? Putting these thoughts to words makes it all sound so jumbled up but it perfectly makes sense in my mind; the arrangement, the tone, the meaning behind the words I chose to pop-up in my mind.

And maybe that's why I myself am searching for someone to help me organise all of these thoughts out, fold them neatly, store them away, and let my mind to unwind and to finally love life.

Na na na na na

If I never went online that night and chatted with that girl I would have missed out on knowing C-CLOWN, especially since I am so not keeping up with the Korean music scene anymore.

I really like their latest album, 흔들리고 있어 (Shaking Heart), which is really good in my opinion. All the songs are really good and I am so thankful that their company (whichever company it is that they belong to, LOEN I think) decided to keep them and to give them good songs.

The good thing about this group is that the vocals are all equally good, even though there isn't any that is outstandingly good. The boys also don't have a very tight friendship from what I can observe but they are definitely growing a closer bond with each other as the time progresses. That and their confidence. They definitely have more confidence on stage now compared to last time.

Their title song for this album is really catchy and I like it a lot. I must admit that I was really waiting for their comeback for a long time and I am happy to say that it wasn't in vain. :)

Link to their newest song for this year! :D

-> C-CLOWN - 흔들리고 있어 MV

I shall go to sleep soon.

In character

I have recently taken up reading again. Like reading novels kind of reading.

The one that I'm on now is called The Absolutist by John Boyne and I picked it up cause I thought it would be a great read since it was based around the WWI timeline and I absolutely love stories based on either of the World Wars.

It turned out to revolve around patriotism and sexuality and in some ways, it reminded me of Brokeback Mountain a lot but the emotions in this story is so raw and real that at some parts I laughed out loud while at another moment I almost cried. I haven't been moved by a book in a long time.

Part of the reason why I kind of avoided reading books (apart from studying and not having any English books around) is because I tend to get too absorbed into the books that I sometimes feel like I inherited some of the characteristics of a particular character, especially if it's the protagonist.

From there, I will not be myself for a couple of days and my personality will tend to shift to a more darker side somehow.

Which is what I'm currently going through now.

I don't want to finish reading the book, in fact, I'm postponing the ending for as long as possible as much as I'd like to turn the pages. I feel like I'm not ready to see what's ahead of me, or what I did in the past.

This week in particular, I felt like I moved about in my own quiet shell, like a true loner. I wonder if the people around me sensed it but regardless of what they saw or felt, I feel quite okay somehow. Somehow.

I'm still living in a sort of coma, if that makes sense.

The activities I go through everyday are different but are all alike at the same time so much that all I need to do is to look up at the sky and wait for the day to disfigure into night and by then I'd know that another day has pass by and here I am, still alive and walking on this Earth, not knowing what's at the next corner.

Life is so unexpected and if those little events never happened, I would have never been here.

I'm just tired.

To be heard out

I spent the last hour listening to my roommate and making small commentary here and there because I knew that she needed to get things off her mind and throughout that time I realised that I'm really looking for someone who is willing to listen to me without me having to worry too much about what they think.

One of my projects got evaluated today and it got an A-B which is actually very good considering the fact that only 2 teams got A and 4 or 5 got A-B. I'd like to think it's partly because of the drawings that I completed that we got such high marks but I wouldn't want to think so all the time.

I really felt pleased with myself because of it though because a lot of people came to look at it and to just contemplate it for a long time, even the guy who I shouldn't have any feelings for.

Honestly, I lack the motivation to do anything much these days. It's really affecting me a lot but I can't say it out all the time because I don't want to bother people with it too much.

I will study a bit tonight and buy some books online.

And I guess that's about it for now. I can't exactly express myself the way and as freely as I wanted to even though I thought I could. I guess feelings aren't really meant to be represented by words but rather through action and emotions, if the emotion bit makes any sense to you.

I do think I'm still stubbornly hanging on a thin string and I hate myself for it. I really need to find a distraction from this, a good one that is.

A year ago

I really feel like I changed a lot in the past year and most things have changed for the better but as a human, I have definitely taken a step back in some areas as well but today I will dwell on the more positive aspect.

Ever since the primary 6 incident, I have a real huge fear of being friendly when meeting someone for the first time and in fact, the fear grew even worse and it grew with me into college and it got so bad that people were scared to talk with me when in fact, I was probably more scared to talk with them.

I myself am not so sure why I got such a fear and why it lasted so long with me.

Maybe it's so that I can understand people from another perspective and so on or it could be that I needed a long time to reshape my previously extremely arrogant, snobbish and strict personality of which I am really ashamed about.

So back to the point here, I was really socially awkward unless I had to present something in class because then I felt like that at least some people would listen to me. I really have no idea how I made friends and why they stayed with me over those few years. I was really someone tiring to be with.

Today though, I finally felt like I am able to actually make a good conversation with people and even after the dinner, they still want to get together and hang out some time.

But this probably started ever since the skiing trip since I actually still am in contact with two of the people from the trip that I least expected to still be in touch with. Maybe I am still in touch with them because I actually placed the effort in to talking with them and approaching them first.

So maybe, I think, I really have to show people that I do like talking with people and try to make them feel comfortable around me before our relationship grows any further.

It was hardwork though, coming to this level.

I spent a lot of time thinking and I made a heck lot of errors while talking with people but I'm glad that most of the people that I talk to are nice enough to still consider me okay to talk with.

And my conclusion is, I can be someone that people will want to talk to and hang out with, a conclusion I would have never reached if I had still continued with my A-Levels probably, always going to keep mostly to herself and to her friends.

And after all those practices, I'm starting to find that making conversations are actually quite easy and I really prefer them more then chatting online which goes to say that I can't wait to see him so that I can talk with him and that I really hope that I will be able to sit next to him on the bus and strike a nice little conversation with him. It would be really nice.

At the end of today when I came back (almost dying from the excess food in my stomach) I even talked with my roomie for a very long time, almost 2 hours, and if it weren't for the fact that I was sleepy and in pain, I would have talked more since she wasn't sleepy (pretty odd since she's usually asleep by 9.00 pm and I got back close to 10.00 pm). It was a really good talk.

In fact, I really enjoyed all the conversations I had today.

Even though I looked just horrible and my outfit wasn't good (I didn't expect to be invited to dinner hahahaha), I just let my real self go and it felt good not hiding under layers of a thick brick mask.

So slowly, I am improving socially and I am very thankful for that. I only hope that I won't overdo things and that I will still be able to improve even more in the right way.

And now I'm sleepy so I shall sleep soon. Good night. :)