A strong identity

You know, words can't make much sense in my head anymore; always jumping from one thing to another in a chaotic manner.

But the Chaos Theory states that even in chaos, you can find order. I still have yet to find a proper distinguishable one though.

Talking with people and making new friends, it's supposed to make you feel even more connected isn't it?

At least I know why I was a loner to begin with. It's cause I'm such a control-freak and I directly sabotage myself whenever someone tries to get closer with me. Maybe I'm just selfishly protecting myself, not wanting another person to invade in my space.

I'm sure that I like people, really. It's just that whenever they get too close to my comfort zone, I start to behave in such a way that it'd repel them. I guess I still can't trust people too easily but then again, I'm not the only one with this problem.

Small things happen everyday but it doesn't make that day anymore special does it? I'm still unable to differentiate the days, to pin them down with certain memories to it.

It's at this point that I wonder whether or not all of this has anything to do with me giving up on him. In fact, I think that somewhere deep inside, I still have feelings for him, as much as I really hate to admit.

With the cars passing outside and floating laughter from the ground floor, all that I can feel is distance.

I constantly surround myself with people because they make me forget the other side of me but towards the end of the lesson, that other side slowly wakes up and by the time I reach home, I'm as silent as a petrified corpse.

Sometimes when I look inside the mirror and stare back at myself I wonder who that person is, someone who has changed a lot from her high school image, someone I barely recognise. Where did she go? Did I silently kill her in the pursuit of something which was ephemeral?

Assignments and homework are piling up but I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to sit here and stare at the window as the world goes by. I'm sorry.