The ticket back to reality

I really did knew it was coming but the day when I'll be leaving home again is finally just around the corner and all I really want to do is crawl under my mom's blankets and wish that I didn't have to grow up.

Here I am, just looking at the pile of junk I have to sort out in order to pack and I kind of know how I'll be packing but I can't seem to make myself want to actually execute things out.

In the first place, there's really nothing whatsoever that is of great meaning to me back in Italy so really, I have nothing to look forward to when I go back there.

The only good thing that I can think about to use to cheer myself up is that I'll have loads of time to concentrate on my dreams and to really put words into motion so yeah, my excitement to go back is practically non-existent. Not even aeroplane rides cheer me up anymore, in fact, it sickens me slightly.

I can already predict that this time around when I go through the immigration counters, I'm going to cry.

I didn't cry the first two times that I left KK but honestly, I think I just realised what a big deal it is to leave people you really love and sincerely care about behind. People that you don't need to act not yourself around. People who can put up with you for who you are and cherish the good things about you.

I really felt alone when I was in Milan and it's the kind of loneliness that you can't put into words.

During bad times, I can even go up to three days of not speaking to anyone except to myself which keeps me up till the wee hours of morning, sitting at my desktop while staring blankly into space. I'm scared that I will do that again.

It's at this point that it is vital that you find a really really really good friend but I have yet to find one. Of course there are some really good people around me but I can never seem to loosen up myself for them and I end up hurting them so it would have been better if I never was in their life to begin with.

I'm scared.

For now I'm going to sort my things out and just decide where to pack what. I don't think I'll be able to sleep well for the next few days.