Studio Ghibli

For the past week or so I've been consistently watching one Studio Ghibli movie every evening as I eat dinner.

At first I just watched them because I felt it was a shame and a waste to not do so since I brought them all the way from KK but now it's like an addiction.

Because in every movie, each and every one of them, I learn something new and I feel myself getting emotionally and spiritually stronger somehow. In a way, I'm finding my emotions again; my childhood rushing back into my memories and evoking all the feelings that I thought I had lost ever since I came here.

It took me a long time to actually start to feel anything.

The first time I cried was while I watched 'My Neighbors The Yamadas' and it really surprised me because compared to the previous ones I watched, this was more light-hearted and the drawings were really intended for a lively audience, no realism to it or what realism it did have was not much.
I remember my exact thoughts as I watched it.
The family members kept asking each other to go give the dad an umbrella at the train station but no one wanted to go so the dad got fed up and was about to hang up when the mom asked him to buy pork but he refused. However, he bought it in the end despite resisting at first and at that moment I just thought he was stupid. How could he still be so nice to people who just left him behind?
And then he met them on the way home and I somehow did not expect that so when he I saw that his family had went out to meet him with his umbrella I felt tears rolling from my eyes.

In a way this is good but from another perspective it's bad because the more I watch these movies, the more reluctant I am to going back to reality and I hesitate to even believe that I am living in the real world some times.

It's like I'm trying my best to relive my childhood at this point in my life where I'm supposed to take a step into the adult world but it's so scary, this world of responsibility that awaits me.

As I spend more time here in this country, the more I become aware about what most people are like and what they want and having that knowledge is a burden and a gift at the same time.

I start to wonder if I will ever become like that or if I will fall to temptation too easily. Will I find another person who thinks the way that I do?

Yesterday I just realised that I don't have any real friends here, not one. You must not confuse this with the word 'friends' because they are two separate things. The word 'friends' also can't be associated with the word 'acquaintances' because an acquaintance is someone that you recognise and you might know their name but a 'friend' is one that you are familiar with and have listening sessions with.

Listening sessions? Whatever could I possibly mean with that? Don't I mean conversations? No.

There is a difference and I know how to differentiate between the two.

While I was discussing with my group mates yesterday, one of whom is supposedly a good friend of mine, there came a moment where I talked about myself and that's when I realised that in the whole year and a few months that I've been here, I've hardly ever talked about myself, my history, my past, anything concerning me. My good friend went on to say "I never know how many siblings you have" despite the fact that I have shown her all of my sibling's photos in the past.

And why, why do I hardly talk about myself?

Because no one cares and wants to listen to me. It is always me who listens.

That was one of the reasons why I felt a bit surprised when they allowed me to talk for more than 2 minutes regarding a bit of myself yesterday and when they found out stuff about me they were shocked.

Because they never knew me. They concentrate too much on talking about themselves and less on others.

I was interrupted soon after I began speaking though and I just shut up and listened to them, looking at each other, ready to produce something else to say and out-speak the other conversation holder. It was like they were eyeing each other's neck.

This good friend of mine also constantly looks down on me. I've had that feeling since we became friends but I can't do much about that because even though I've proven her wrong time and time again, she still doesn't change her opinion of me.

But anyhow, back to the subject of Studio Ghibli, watching the movies make me feel like it's okay if I haven't found any real friend yet because I am sure to find them as long as I am a person who is good and true.

I could go on but it will take a lot of time and words to truly express myself even though it feels much better to type it out rather than to horde them in my brain every day. I'm still an android now and I hardly show my true self to anyone but myself. It's a dull pain, living every day with these thoughts running through my head and I don't know what will make them go away.

I wish some of it would go away.