...

In such a weird mood now where I don't want to go forward or go back. I need to be blank, somehow, or at least that's what I feel.

Going to shower and then go to church.

Mental disorders

I'm scared of myself and my thoughts.
How did I ever turned up this messed up?
I honestly, don't know...
Why did someone as messed up as me get this wonderful opportunity to further her studies when so many other people out there deserve this chance more than myself.

I pity my parents a lot.
They got stuck with this kid, who's really good for nothing but just to think.

Why am I so bipolar?

Why do I go from one extreme emotion to a practically listless one?

I hate troubling others so much.
But I really wish there was someone I can depend on.

The truth is, I really don't see much point in me continuing to live because I won't be able to do what I want to do and what I should do instead is work as someone I don't want to become and as a result I'm not even concentrating on that because I don't want to do that which is really.... really bad

And even the thing that I want to do... I can't find happiness in it anymore because... because...
I get so discouraged when I see other artists who are much better than me and I begin to wonder, how can I succeed in such an industry?

I really have no talent.
All the so-called beautiful drawings that I've posted up are based on loads of calculations.

I.. there are so many thoughts in my head now.. they're swimming around and I really can't concentrate.

What can change this? What can bring me out of this?

Ikanaide

Sometimes when you just want someone to listen to you wail and cry and complain and just be an absolute brat with, you take a step back to realise who exactly can you do that with without any hesitations or worries.

And that's when you realise that you really can't be that way with anyone.

Why?

Because you're afraid that they will leave you.
That their absence in your life will cause you to go even deeper within yourself, to a place where no one can reach out to you.

And that's when you start to have negative thoughts which spirals out of control because you're too scared to trust anyone with yourself.
Because betrayal hurts and the pain is too real.
So it's better to let the pain pile up inside you.
Afterall, it's better to know that you yourself are causing this pain and it isn't because someone did it.

Or because someone you cared did it.

In short, one bad thought will lead to other darker ones which leaves you blindly groping around for security.

And it's not even like you're blind.
You just refuse to truly open your eyes to look for help.
Because you were never used to opening your eyes before.
And to meet the unknown in a time where you're desperate for help scares you.

Because if you get hurt even more, you have no idea where you'll end up, away from the dark hole where you're kind of used to be in.

Because that place might be even worse than the place where you are at now.

Stop and stare

I've been thinking a lot. Not like I don't think a lot but now I think even more than I used to.

It could be because of several factors but it's hard to list them out properly, to even begin to put them together chronologically according to what I should prioritise most is definitely out of the question.

What I'm sure for now is that I've never felt so lost and empty.

I fell into a kind of blue state earlier on this year and now, I somehow feel like I'm being dragged into it again.

I think it's mainly due to the fact that I'm thinking a lot about my future, the kind of job that I'll get or should find.
It should be related to architecture, more or less, since that's what I'm doing now but I'm not even skilful with digitally drawing the technical things, who would want to even consider me to become an intern?

And while everyone's moving forward in their dreams, here I am trying to make something kind of impossible happen.

I really love drawing, I do.
I think about it day and night and for sure, I always open my eyes and observe the world to be able to learn how to draw everything that I see.

But this journey is really hard, for several reasons.
Parents. Lack of skill. Time. Opportunities. Language. To name a few.

It makes me wonder why we can't just do what we want to do.

But I do know, my dream is something that is bizarre.
I took a step back to look at what I have and I realised... I really don't have much to offer.

I just cheat and lie the whole time. I cheat and lie so much.

I will slowly do some work now but I really can't be bothered, really.

Surprising revelation

I am not slugging myself through this architecture workshop at all and I've never paid so much attention to something which I am certain I would have found boring and immediately fall asleep during that time which I would have normally not find interesting in the previous 2 years.

Like really, what has happened to me?

Maybe it's my different outlook on life now. Trying to find knowledge in any way that I can. Being naturally curious. Having a nature to actually love solving puzzles and thinking rationally.

Seriously, I really wonder how my mind works.

Because it actually loves learning.

It shocked me to know this revelation, which I stumbled upon today on my morning walk to school. Wow brain, you're seriously a huge nerd. And I'm actually quite pleased with that. It means that I actually have the potential to survive and do some good perhaps for the community.

I think one part about growing up that scares me is whether or not I'll be able to survive, to sustain myself with my own hardwork I mean, people have said that I'm diligent but I don't know if the people who will inspect me before they actually think about taking me in as an employee will see that kind of potential and value inside of me.

I always think that there are those people who immediately shine the second they open their mouth because their aura gives off the feeling that they are definitely someone that you would want to know, to be part of you whether it be your company or even as a friend.

I just hope I have that kind of aura.
Cause I'm no smooth talker.
And without any of those, I have limited ways of securing a job.
And then of securing my life.

The Path of the Wind

From the moment that Cat left up till this current second, I've been having a strange queasiness in my stomach which I am sure is due to the fact that I know I'll be facing reality in less than 5 days and the thought of going back to a lonely room to once again study things which I have very little interest in is less than appealing.

I couldn't sleep last night. I kept staring at the ceiling and at my phone, willing for something happy to happen so that I could feel happy and I got cheered up a bit but then it faded again so by the time I turned the lights off and got under the covers, I felt so lonely and small and all I wanted was for someone to hug me.

My emotions are running high but I'm doing my best to hide them from everyone else here. In fact, I felt like tearing up when my dad brought some people along to our family farewell dinner which was really supposed to be a private event but no matter how much my heart cramped up, I couldn't find it in me to actually, physically cry.
Which kind of hurts. I really don't know or remember the last time I cried and that scares me.

It makes me feel like I'm inhuman or something.
And because I'm inhuman, let's just say that certain things don't apply to me the way that they used to back when I didn't feel insecure and scared about my own future.

Sometimes the feeling goes away, when I really get into drawing and painting. For a moment, my head is empty and my hand just moves here and there, whether I be sketching on a piece of paper or staring at my laptop's screen.

But lately, even drawing can't ease this feeling. And it makes me unable to draw or paint anything good which leaves me at a huge loss like, what am I supposed to do to get rid of this feeling?

It's hard to even form words. I don't even know how to express myself properly on paper or by typing out this post, what more actually speaking. It's just as though a heavy lock made out of lead has chained itself to my heart which slowly sinks to a deep, empty abyss.

I'm really scared of my future. I'm really scared of being lonely even though I love being alone.

The tears just won't come no matter how hard I try to get them out because I have this huge theory that if I cry, I will be able to see clearly again now that all the dust has gone from my eyes and then I'll be able to take another step forwards.

Fear guides my path a lot these days and I wonder, whatever happened to love?

Summer holiday thoughts

It's been so long since I've had the time to think again. I guess I'm very easily influenced because now that I'm surrounded by my family members again, I'm starting to be more calm.

Or maybe it's because I'm no longer alone. In that way, I no longer have the time to just think about my life and all that makes up the person that I am right now.

For one, I put my art on hold. I have been drawing at least an hour consistently now that I'm back in my hometown but throughout the time I was in the UK with my siblings, I hardly touched my pencil. I did manage to finish off a drawing which I am quite proud of because of the way that I was able to represent the texture but it isn't that good actually.

Inspired by the British countryside and the blooming flowers that were so saturated with colours.

But now, I really am not even doing my best to get into the zone to draw.

So I'm really hoping to get myself involved in drawing a heck lot again.

My sister showed me a girl who she thought was an amazing artist who got commissioned and honestly, I do think I'm better than the girl so when I mentioned that the artist was good and I needed to work harder, my sister didn't respond which clearly shows she thought I wasn't that amazing just yet.

She changed her mind though, after she saw a digital painting that I drew.

But it still goes to show that I need to improve a lot.

So I will work hard over the summer and late into the night if I have to.

That being said, my body is going to be pushed to it's limits and it won't be healthy and thus I will look even less presentable and decent.

... I am really not a girl who cares too much about how she's maintained and about how I look... Sadly...

I would have probably gotten a boyfriend then hahaha.

I do exercise and all but I never found it much of an interest to go further into them anyway.

I guess I really love drawing more than my own personal beauty hahaha.

But then again, I believe in inner beauty which comes from happiness so I'm just going to let that be my all-natural make-up.

I really hope to improve over the summer. It's the one thing that's really on my mind now. Even my fortune reading says so.

And that is something which I will talk about in another journal post probably.

Okay, I need to take a shower and then draw like hell. Right now.

So easily affected

I seriously have no backbone.

I get so easily happy by the smallest things and I just get easily saddened by the smallest things as well.

I guess we're all just human after all.

Choked with fear

Honestly, honestly, I do believe that I don't act or think my age.

My brain operates as though she is 35 with a million debts around her waist.

And the worries that come along with those debts starts to make my mind go so out of control sometimes but today, I think I made a slight brush with insanity for real.

I have been studying the past few days but I really, really can't concentrate because of various reasons so I just hope I'll pass the test on Tuesday because I would really like to have a whole 2 weeks free of worry towards the end of the month.

But my brain somehow just refuses to cooperate with me.

Just tonight I've been going to and fro from drawing and studying and I wasn't very productive in either and all the while I was listening to classical music, hoping it will improve my concentration.

Somehow, when it started playing Bach's Violin Concerto in E Major Adagio... I felt like my mind disappeared for a second and the music was the only thing that controlled me. I really felt like reality vanished and that loud music was the only thing that defined me through and through.

Thank goodness it was only for a second though because the feeling of being absolutely lost was terrifying.

In that split second, I felt my throat close up. Or I could have been imagining it I don't know.

I'm jittery and anxious and panicking but my mind can't seem to understand that it needs to complete tasks to settle itself down.

What I meant about my brain operating like she's 35 is that at this moment now, just 6 months into being 20, I'm already worried about my job, how I'll support myself without my parents, and if I'll be able to be happy with the job that supports me.

It scares me that what I love doing now won't get me anywhere and that's when I let go off the pencil in my hand and I start to think about what I'm doing.
I'm scared to imagine the thought of being unhappy for the rest of my life.
But I'm also scared to go against my parents.

I want to cry so badly; I want to feel the tears fall down my cheeks in order to reassure myself that I'm still human, that I'm still alive.

But even they refuse to come out no matter how much my heart and head hurts. They just automatically stop the real emotions from coming out.

I think my friends must be fed up with me because this is the one topic that I talk about constantly to them.

But I can't help it. It's probably the only thing that I have got going for me now.

And I'm scared that if I lose it, I'll end up back to the way I was 4 months ago and I don't want that to happen.

A post on what it takes to build a friendship

It can only happen when the effort comes from both sides and at best, if both sides put in the same amount of effort.

I mean, it's kind of disappointing to find out that they didn't take the time to reply your message when they have been clearly online in the last couple of hours even though you sent the message almost 2 days ago.

Is this some kind of hot and cold game? To see who is more reliant on the other?

I never liked those kind of games. It's always better to be honest.

I'm a hypocrite though cause sometimes I just do the same. I'd like to start changing that.

In the end though, the real ones are the ones you know you can just talk to at any time and as annoyed as they are, they will hear you out and give the necessary, honest support.

And yeah, not many can give that kind of support.

When you start thinking too much

Now that I'm really working hard and paying more attention to my dreams, I start to over-think things and then I start to compare myself with other great artists and I just feel so small.

I start to wonder when I'll ever reach their level.

What happens is that I'll submit a deviation and then look through some amazing drawings and in all honesty, I hate looking at them because I get so jealous that the feeling starts to go really bad inside me and I don't want that to fill my heart.

But I have to look at those drawings if I want to improve.

So after looking through them, I go on to Manga Studio and start to sketch and colour and when I realise that I can't achieve the same feeling like what I saw previously I get frustrated and then I lose interest and then I go back and look at those drawings and the cycle starts again.

I can only hope that I'm somehow moving forwards. I want to keep on walking down this path and I will do my best to find my own style.

Because in all actuality, I'm just on a path of finding myself.

Mother's Day

Although it should be the other way round, I feel like I was the one who got comforted and I received such an amazing gift from my mom; the gift of time.

She listened to me ranting away and just allowed me to splutter nonsense and in that way, my negativity slowly faded to be replaced by a calm sense of positivity. I really feel so much better after talking with her.

So even though I've said it so many times; Happy Mother's Day ma, I love you so so so so much and it pains me that I can't physically hug you now. Thank you for being the best mom ever. :)

Crappy day turned better

I think my luck with my academics finally ran out this time. My group can't seem to do anything right and I guess it is my own fault for not paying too much attention to the project from the beginning. With less than 2 months from the deadline, I really am paying back my academic debt now.

I just really need to focus on my assignments and I fully intend to finish at least one.

Or else I'l never leave this school library (but it closes in 3 hours anyway so I'll need to be done by then).

I was feeling really crappy and empty until I logged on to my deviantArt account.

I made a kiriban for 3333 page views on my profile page and I saw that someone sent me a note saying that they caught it and it was such a shock for me because when I checked the number of page views that I got today, it was 72 hits. Twice the number of people who visited yesterday (but on a normal day I actually only get around 10 OTL).

And the one who did this wasn't just a person who favourites almost every picture they see but it is a person who actually draws really prettily and she even watched me so I seriously felt super elated. Shortly after, another awesome person watched me so even until now, happiness is still surging through me.

To a lot of people, this might not be a big deal but for me, I take them as motivations so that I can work harder towards my dream.

These days I'm becoming even more obvious that I don't really have a passion for architecture in my class and I think people are starting to notice.

Sometimes I think architecture isn't that bad. I'm still exercising my creativity and using the scientific knowledge that I've gathered over the years and not wasting them.

But I just simply love drawing. I really do.

There isn't a day that goes by without me drawing at least one thing; whether it be digitally or traditionally, using all kinds of techniques to improve my skills even more.

I really, really hope that I'll be able to fulfil this dream. It is the one thing that I know can truly define myself for who I am.

Tests

Let's just say I really don't care about my test tomorrow. It's the truth anyway.

Ever since I truly realised that I don't have much passion for architecture, unless it calls me to use my imagination, I no longer feel like putting in as much effort as I used to.

It's terribly wrong for me to do so but hear me out for a bit.

When my parents came to visit me, naturally I got really happy at the prospect of seeing them and spending a lot of time with them.

What I didn't expect was the depression that I would get from listening to them as well as the depression that would last even after they leave. It got a bit better today but previously, I really wasn't able to focus on anything and be productive.

I tried to not be too spoiled by them during the trip although they insisted on getting me stuff if I wanted anything. I just couldn't bring myself to increase my burden on them so even when my mom started shopping for clothes, I just stepped back and in order to not make it obvious that I was restricting myself from getting anything, I just helped her to choose clothes.

I just felt like the more I took from them, the more they'll expect of me which is undeniably true. Whenever I drew or mentioned Japan, they gave me a pained expression or evaded the subject completely. It made me feel like I really won't get their support for something that I know, at least at this moment, will make me happy.

And when they announced that my dad is finally a role figure that is playing an important set of cards in society... It just made me think that I couldn't be as selfish as I wanted to.

I mean, seriously, he'll be looked down upon if one of his kids was a manga artist.

And that's when I begin to question the word happiness and for whom that word should belong to.

Following the path of architecture will definitely bring my parents happiness and as for myself it isn't certain, but really, I don't think I'd like to wake up knowing that I have to design a building well enough so that it won't crumble and kill a 1000 people and that it isn't too much of an eye-sore so that I won't get backlash from the public and at the same time ensuring that it's sustainable, not causing urban disturbance etc.

The list is endless.

And my favourite part, imagining, is only valid for the coming up of the concept process which is only at the very alpha of everything. What comes next are solid facts and figures which I've never been too excited about somehow.

Sure, I love Physics and solving puzzles but research and history? No, just no. I'm sorry.

Why do I want to become a mangaka? Simple.

I'm able to escape reality and I want to help people escape from it too. It's a cowardly choice on how to deal with life but the more I grow up and learn to open my eyes, the more I begin to dislike, even hate, the world that I am in and then in that way, I become corrupted myself and I begin to hate myself even more.

By creating my own world, I won't need to face selfish people, corruption, etc. that hurts people in real life.

I guess I'm just scared of hurting myself. I wouldn't know what I'd do if I ever did really let myself get hurt again. I'm too afraid that I won't want to get up ever again.

This just makes me reconsider all the decisions I've made in the past. I'm still having trouble coming in terms of agreement with some of them but I guess it was all for the best.

Makes me wonder why I was brought into this world.

Was it only to bring trouble upon my parents? They're really nice people, why would anyone want to trouble them?

And I want to remain with this mindset, that my parents are nice people. I'm scared it will change one day and when that happens... I really don't know what I would do. Run away maybe, to a place where they can't find me.

Obviously that place will be Japan ahahahaha. I'd have to change my identity then.

There's no such thing as fairness in this world and some people definitely have it worse than myself.

But for everyone, they have their own bit of happiness that makes up for that crappy part.

And for me, that would be drawing.

So to have it taken away from me, to not be able to live a life drawing what I want, let's just say it's already killed a bit of me inside.

And the knife just plunges deeper.

How long more till it reaches the core is beyond me but I'm sure I will pretty much lose my sanity then.

I do think I'm losing my head a bit already.

I'm starting to lose control and I'm still figuring out how to get it back.

After all, I need to keep them happy right?

What it's like on the other side

I would consider myself as a nerd and a goody-two-shoed girl when it comes to studying but ever since the beginning of this semester, I've found myself on the other end.

I used to always sit in front and just scribble notes as fast as I could and even though the subject matter was boring, I'd try to at least listen. You could say I'm doing the exact opposite now and today I even went so far as to draw in class on my laptop.

The fault is obviously mine but I somehow wish that our professors made an attempt to make it a bit more interesting and I immediately lost all interest when she announced "I know this is boring". If you hold that kind of opinion on the subject that you're teaching, why not find a way to make it interesting?

It doesn't help that she literally reads out her slideshows. I just take down notes when she says something else.

Even then, I don't concentrate a lot in class.

Buckminster Fuller made his life an experiment and I guess I'm doing the same now.

First I made my social life an experiment and I got my conclusion and answers so I don't intend on experimenting much with it anymore so perhaps now I'm experimenting on my academic life.

Though I won't take it too far, that is for sure. I'm still going to do my best to keep up my grades.

Well, that's it for now. I should sleep.

Unsettled

I don't know why but I just feel uneasy.

Please don't let anything bad happen tomorrow.

Slipping

Well I think it's finally happening. I'm finally starting to slip away from getting amazing grades. I guess you really can't depend on luck forever.

I don't know why I no longer feel so passionate about getting good marks. Maybe it's because I keep on thinking how architecture is both for me and not for me. For me in the sense that I have both a scientific and creative thinking brain. Not for me as in I just don't feel passionate about it.

Why? The list could go on and on but the main thing is that this job takes on a really huge responsibility and when I think of that, my mind starts to waver. Most aspiring architects don't even get enough to live by, even the hot shots themselves.

Really, what is in for me to become an architect?

When I think about the set of skills I'll have by the end of this degree, I start to think "How will I ever be able to use them?"

I just wish I could talk with someone now.

Why can't we just follow the path that we think will give us happiness instead of just settling for the safe path, all the time wondering what would have happened if we took the other road. Why can't we?

I think for the most part I'm sticking to this because I'm such a terrible people-pleaser. I don't want to let my parents and professors down. I hate seeing them disappointed when I screw up.

And now I really am at a loss.

Why doesn't architecture make me happy? Why can't I be happy with just architecture? It would save my family and I a lot of headaches.

I really should get to doing my work now but sadly, I can no longer force myself to give it my all. It's really sad to say this, but I can't care about it anymore. Nevertheless, I will still do my best for my parents. I'm using their money after all.

All is well

I must take charge of my youth while I can still call myself one. I don't want to whittle them away.

I've had a pretty good life so far but nothing too exciting has happened and I know in order for that to happen, I must be the one to take the initiative. I cannot expect other people to just step forward, hold out their hand and say 'I will make your life more wonderful, trust me.'

For starters, I want to learn to love myself even more, only then can I truly love others and it isn't fair that I'm not loving the people around me enough. It really isn't.

I want to concentrate on my dreams, to take risks, and to gain more knowledge wherever, whenever, in what ever form they may be in and to be able to apply them positively for myself and for the benefit of the people who surround me.

I shall make my resolutions after this. Surprisingly, I scored 8.5 out of 11 for my 2013 resolutions without realising it myself. I only realised it after looking back through my list and then looking back on my memories of 2013 so yes, it both shocked and pleased me at the same time.

Hopefully I will be able to carve my own destiny and make 2014 my own.