From the moment that Cat left up till this current second, I've been having a strange queasiness in my stomach which I am sure is due to the fact that I know I'll be facing reality in less than 5 days and the thought of going back to a lonely room to once again study things which I have very little interest in is less than appealing.
I couldn't sleep last night. I kept staring at the ceiling and at my phone, willing for something happy to happen so that I could feel happy and I got cheered up a bit but then it faded again so by the time I turned the lights off and got under the covers, I felt so lonely and small and all I wanted was for someone to hug me.
My emotions are running high but I'm doing my best to hide them from everyone else here. In fact, I felt like tearing up when my dad brought some people along to our family farewell dinner which was really supposed to be a private event but no matter how much my heart cramped up, I couldn't find it in me to actually, physically cry.
Which kind of hurts. I really don't know or remember the last time I cried and that scares me.
It makes me feel like I'm inhuman or something.
And because I'm inhuman, let's just say that certain things don't apply to me the way that they used to back when I didn't feel insecure and scared about my own future.
Sometimes the feeling goes away, when I really get into drawing and painting. For a moment, my head is empty and my hand just moves here and there, whether I be sketching on a piece of paper or staring at my laptop's screen.
But lately, even drawing can't ease this feeling. And it makes me unable to draw or paint anything good which leaves me at a huge loss like, what am I supposed to do to get rid of this feeling?
It's hard to even form words. I don't even know how to express myself properly on paper or by typing out this post, what more actually speaking. It's just as though a heavy lock made out of lead has chained itself to my heart which slowly sinks to a deep, empty abyss.
I'm really scared of my future. I'm really scared of being lonely even though I love being alone.
The tears just won't come no matter how hard I try to get them out because I have this huge theory that if I cry, I will be able to see clearly again now that all the dust has gone from my eyes and then I'll be able to take another step forwards.
Fear guides my path a lot these days and I wonder, whatever happened to love?
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