Tests

Let's just say I really don't care about my test tomorrow. It's the truth anyway.

Ever since I truly realised that I don't have much passion for architecture, unless it calls me to use my imagination, I no longer feel like putting in as much effort as I used to.

It's terribly wrong for me to do so but hear me out for a bit.

When my parents came to visit me, naturally I got really happy at the prospect of seeing them and spending a lot of time with them.

What I didn't expect was the depression that I would get from listening to them as well as the depression that would last even after they leave. It got a bit better today but previously, I really wasn't able to focus on anything and be productive.

I tried to not be too spoiled by them during the trip although they insisted on getting me stuff if I wanted anything. I just couldn't bring myself to increase my burden on them so even when my mom started shopping for clothes, I just stepped back and in order to not make it obvious that I was restricting myself from getting anything, I just helped her to choose clothes.

I just felt like the more I took from them, the more they'll expect of me which is undeniably true. Whenever I drew or mentioned Japan, they gave me a pained expression or evaded the subject completely. It made me feel like I really won't get their support for something that I know, at least at this moment, will make me happy.

And when they announced that my dad is finally a role figure that is playing an important set of cards in society... It just made me think that I couldn't be as selfish as I wanted to.

I mean, seriously, he'll be looked down upon if one of his kids was a manga artist.

And that's when I begin to question the word happiness and for whom that word should belong to.

Following the path of architecture will definitely bring my parents happiness and as for myself it isn't certain, but really, I don't think I'd like to wake up knowing that I have to design a building well enough so that it won't crumble and kill a 1000 people and that it isn't too much of an eye-sore so that I won't get backlash from the public and at the same time ensuring that it's sustainable, not causing urban disturbance etc.

The list is endless.

And my favourite part, imagining, is only valid for the coming up of the concept process which is only at the very alpha of everything. What comes next are solid facts and figures which I've never been too excited about somehow.

Sure, I love Physics and solving puzzles but research and history? No, just no. I'm sorry.

Why do I want to become a mangaka? Simple.

I'm able to escape reality and I want to help people escape from it too. It's a cowardly choice on how to deal with life but the more I grow up and learn to open my eyes, the more I begin to dislike, even hate, the world that I am in and then in that way, I become corrupted myself and I begin to hate myself even more.

By creating my own world, I won't need to face selfish people, corruption, etc. that hurts people in real life.

I guess I'm just scared of hurting myself. I wouldn't know what I'd do if I ever did really let myself get hurt again. I'm too afraid that I won't want to get up ever again.

This just makes me reconsider all the decisions I've made in the past. I'm still having trouble coming in terms of agreement with some of them but I guess it was all for the best.

Makes me wonder why I was brought into this world.

Was it only to bring trouble upon my parents? They're really nice people, why would anyone want to trouble them?

And I want to remain with this mindset, that my parents are nice people. I'm scared it will change one day and when that happens... I really don't know what I would do. Run away maybe, to a place where they can't find me.

Obviously that place will be Japan ahahahaha. I'd have to change my identity then.

There's no such thing as fairness in this world and some people definitely have it worse than myself.

But for everyone, they have their own bit of happiness that makes up for that crappy part.

And for me, that would be drawing.

So to have it taken away from me, to not be able to live a life drawing what I want, let's just say it's already killed a bit of me inside.

And the knife just plunges deeper.

How long more till it reaches the core is beyond me but I'm sure I will pretty much lose my sanity then.

I do think I'm losing my head a bit already.

I'm starting to lose control and I'm still figuring out how to get it back.

After all, I need to keep them happy right?