Choked with fear

Honestly, honestly, I do believe that I don't act or think my age.

My brain operates as though she is 35 with a million debts around her waist.

And the worries that come along with those debts starts to make my mind go so out of control sometimes but today, I think I made a slight brush with insanity for real.

I have been studying the past few days but I really, really can't concentrate because of various reasons so I just hope I'll pass the test on Tuesday because I would really like to have a whole 2 weeks free of worry towards the end of the month.

But my brain somehow just refuses to cooperate with me.

Just tonight I've been going to and fro from drawing and studying and I wasn't very productive in either and all the while I was listening to classical music, hoping it will improve my concentration.

Somehow, when it started playing Bach's Violin Concerto in E Major Adagio... I felt like my mind disappeared for a second and the music was the only thing that controlled me. I really felt like reality vanished and that loud music was the only thing that defined me through and through.

Thank goodness it was only for a second though because the feeling of being absolutely lost was terrifying.

In that split second, I felt my throat close up. Or I could have been imagining it I don't know.

I'm jittery and anxious and panicking but my mind can't seem to understand that it needs to complete tasks to settle itself down.

What I meant about my brain operating like she's 35 is that at this moment now, just 6 months into being 20, I'm already worried about my job, how I'll support myself without my parents, and if I'll be able to be happy with the job that supports me.

It scares me that what I love doing now won't get me anywhere and that's when I let go off the pencil in my hand and I start to think about what I'm doing.
I'm scared to imagine the thought of being unhappy for the rest of my life.
But I'm also scared to go against my parents.

I want to cry so badly; I want to feel the tears fall down my cheeks in order to reassure myself that I'm still human, that I'm still alive.

But even they refuse to come out no matter how much my heart and head hurts. They just automatically stop the real emotions from coming out.

I think my friends must be fed up with me because this is the one topic that I talk about constantly to them.

But I can't help it. It's probably the only thing that I have got going for me now.

And I'm scared that if I lose it, I'll end up back to the way I was 4 months ago and I don't want that to happen.