Stop and stare

I've been thinking a lot. Not like I don't think a lot but now I think even more than I used to.

It could be because of several factors but it's hard to list them out properly, to even begin to put them together chronologically according to what I should prioritise most is definitely out of the question.

What I'm sure for now is that I've never felt so lost and empty.

I fell into a kind of blue state earlier on this year and now, I somehow feel like I'm being dragged into it again.

I think it's mainly due to the fact that I'm thinking a lot about my future, the kind of job that I'll get or should find.
It should be related to architecture, more or less, since that's what I'm doing now but I'm not even skilful with digitally drawing the technical things, who would want to even consider me to become an intern?

And while everyone's moving forward in their dreams, here I am trying to make something kind of impossible happen.

I really love drawing, I do.
I think about it day and night and for sure, I always open my eyes and observe the world to be able to learn how to draw everything that I see.

But this journey is really hard, for several reasons.
Parents. Lack of skill. Time. Opportunities. Language. To name a few.

It makes me wonder why we can't just do what we want to do.

But I do know, my dream is something that is bizarre.
I took a step back to look at what I have and I realised... I really don't have much to offer.

I just cheat and lie the whole time. I cheat and lie so much.

I will slowly do some work now but I really can't be bothered, really.