Sacrifice

As I sit here drawing away the remaining few days of my holidays, my thoughts can't help but to think about the 'what-ifs' that could have changed my life.

A particular scene somehow interrupts my thoughts and it makes me feel like crying at the thought because it seems to sweet to be a dream.

I don't remember when it exactly happened but my family and I were sitting around the table and we were probably talking about education or future occupations when my elder sister suddenly said to my mom "Please let her go for animation, I don't care, you can use up the money you saved from my education for her."

At that time, I don't think I fully appreciated just how big of a sacrifice that could have been but at this moment right here, I feel like that is one of the most selfless act of love that I have ever experienced and yet not realise at the time.

I don't know if I've said this before, but thank you, I won't ever forget that memory.

The current song that's playing isn't making this situation feeling any happier though ahahahaha.
I couldn't find the song anywhere online since I guess the song isn't one of their main songs and since they're a Japanese indie group, it makes it even harder to find it.

つぎの夜へ by indigo la End

I'll go back to drawing again now.

...

In such a weird mood now where I don't want to go forward or go back. I need to be blank, somehow, or at least that's what I feel.

Going to shower and then go to church.

Mental disorders

I'm scared of myself and my thoughts.
How did I ever turned up this messed up?
I honestly, don't know...
Why did someone as messed up as me get this wonderful opportunity to further her studies when so many other people out there deserve this chance more than myself.

I pity my parents a lot.
They got stuck with this kid, who's really good for nothing but just to think.

Why am I so bipolar?

Why do I go from one extreme emotion to a practically listless one?

I hate troubling others so much.
But I really wish there was someone I can depend on.

The truth is, I really don't see much point in me continuing to live because I won't be able to do what I want to do and what I should do instead is work as someone I don't want to become and as a result I'm not even concentrating on that because I don't want to do that which is really.... really bad

And even the thing that I want to do... I can't find happiness in it anymore because... because...
I get so discouraged when I see other artists who are much better than me and I begin to wonder, how can I succeed in such an industry?

I really have no talent.
All the so-called beautiful drawings that I've posted up are based on loads of calculations.

I.. there are so many thoughts in my head now.. they're swimming around and I really can't concentrate.

What can change this? What can bring me out of this?

Ikanaide

Sometimes when you just want someone to listen to you wail and cry and complain and just be an absolute brat with, you take a step back to realise who exactly can you do that with without any hesitations or worries.

And that's when you realise that you really can't be that way with anyone.

Why?

Because you're afraid that they will leave you.
That their absence in your life will cause you to go even deeper within yourself, to a place where no one can reach out to you.

And that's when you start to have negative thoughts which spirals out of control because you're too scared to trust anyone with yourself.
Because betrayal hurts and the pain is too real.
So it's better to let the pain pile up inside you.
Afterall, it's better to know that you yourself are causing this pain and it isn't because someone did it.

Or because someone you cared did it.

In short, one bad thought will lead to other darker ones which leaves you blindly groping around for security.

And it's not even like you're blind.
You just refuse to truly open your eyes to look for help.
Because you were never used to opening your eyes before.
And to meet the unknown in a time where you're desperate for help scares you.

Because if you get hurt even more, you have no idea where you'll end up, away from the dark hole where you're kind of used to be in.

Because that place might be even worse than the place where you are at now.

Stop and stare

I've been thinking a lot. Not like I don't think a lot but now I think even more than I used to.

It could be because of several factors but it's hard to list them out properly, to even begin to put them together chronologically according to what I should prioritise most is definitely out of the question.

What I'm sure for now is that I've never felt so lost and empty.

I fell into a kind of blue state earlier on this year and now, I somehow feel like I'm being dragged into it again.

I think it's mainly due to the fact that I'm thinking a lot about my future, the kind of job that I'll get or should find.
It should be related to architecture, more or less, since that's what I'm doing now but I'm not even skilful with digitally drawing the technical things, who would want to even consider me to become an intern?

And while everyone's moving forward in their dreams, here I am trying to make something kind of impossible happen.

I really love drawing, I do.
I think about it day and night and for sure, I always open my eyes and observe the world to be able to learn how to draw everything that I see.

But this journey is really hard, for several reasons.
Parents. Lack of skill. Time. Opportunities. Language. To name a few.

It makes me wonder why we can't just do what we want to do.

But I do know, my dream is something that is bizarre.
I took a step back to look at what I have and I realised... I really don't have much to offer.

I just cheat and lie the whole time. I cheat and lie so much.

I will slowly do some work now but I really can't be bothered, really.

Surprising revelation

I am not slugging myself through this architecture workshop at all and I've never paid so much attention to something which I am certain I would have found boring and immediately fall asleep during that time which I would have normally not find interesting in the previous 2 years.

Like really, what has happened to me?

Maybe it's my different outlook on life now. Trying to find knowledge in any way that I can. Being naturally curious. Having a nature to actually love solving puzzles and thinking rationally.

Seriously, I really wonder how my mind works.

Because it actually loves learning.

It shocked me to know this revelation, which I stumbled upon today on my morning walk to school. Wow brain, you're seriously a huge nerd. And I'm actually quite pleased with that. It means that I actually have the potential to survive and do some good perhaps for the community.

I think one part about growing up that scares me is whether or not I'll be able to survive, to sustain myself with my own hardwork I mean, people have said that I'm diligent but I don't know if the people who will inspect me before they actually think about taking me in as an employee will see that kind of potential and value inside of me.

I always think that there are those people who immediately shine the second they open their mouth because their aura gives off the feeling that they are definitely someone that you would want to know, to be part of you whether it be your company or even as a friend.

I just hope I have that kind of aura.
Cause I'm no smooth talker.
And without any of those, I have limited ways of securing a job.
And then of securing my life.

The Path of the Wind

From the moment that Cat left up till this current second, I've been having a strange queasiness in my stomach which I am sure is due to the fact that I know I'll be facing reality in less than 5 days and the thought of going back to a lonely room to once again study things which I have very little interest in is less than appealing.

I couldn't sleep last night. I kept staring at the ceiling and at my phone, willing for something happy to happen so that I could feel happy and I got cheered up a bit but then it faded again so by the time I turned the lights off and got under the covers, I felt so lonely and small and all I wanted was for someone to hug me.

My emotions are running high but I'm doing my best to hide them from everyone else here. In fact, I felt like tearing up when my dad brought some people along to our family farewell dinner which was really supposed to be a private event but no matter how much my heart cramped up, I couldn't find it in me to actually, physically cry.
Which kind of hurts. I really don't know or remember the last time I cried and that scares me.

It makes me feel like I'm inhuman or something.
And because I'm inhuman, let's just say that certain things don't apply to me the way that they used to back when I didn't feel insecure and scared about my own future.

Sometimes the feeling goes away, when I really get into drawing and painting. For a moment, my head is empty and my hand just moves here and there, whether I be sketching on a piece of paper or staring at my laptop's screen.

But lately, even drawing can't ease this feeling. And it makes me unable to draw or paint anything good which leaves me at a huge loss like, what am I supposed to do to get rid of this feeling?

It's hard to even form words. I don't even know how to express myself properly on paper or by typing out this post, what more actually speaking. It's just as though a heavy lock made out of lead has chained itself to my heart which slowly sinks to a deep, empty abyss.

I'm really scared of my future. I'm really scared of being lonely even though I love being alone.

The tears just won't come no matter how hard I try to get them out because I have this huge theory that if I cry, I will be able to see clearly again now that all the dust has gone from my eyes and then I'll be able to take another step forwards.

Fear guides my path a lot these days and I wonder, whatever happened to love?