An unheard farewell

I knew he would die.

I don't know how or why but on the last day I was in Malaysia and was about to leave to the airport I thought to myself "You better pet them all, even with your condition. Who knows what might happen when you leave?"

I was a bit scared to but I did it in the end and I petted all of them, him last and I remember looking at his eyes and wondering if he knew I was leaving and I promised him that I'd bring him more food the next time I came back.

When I first got the news through Whatsapp I was stunned and shocked and I cried a bit but since I was so tired and sleepy, I didn't get the full impact.

In the morning I told my roommate and she was very sympathetic but I somehow managed to pull myself together and not cry.

When she left, my mom called, asking me how I was and at that point I felt the tears coming already and I cried when I asked Mason how he was but I didn't bawl, luckily.

Now I feel like crying but it isn't much compared to this huge emptiness I'm housing currently. I don't know if it's because I got unlucky so many times today, but I feel like utter crap.

I think he died around the time I started to mess up in my project the day before yesterday. My time, afternoon, his, night.

I was initially doing okay with my project but I messed something up and from then on, I felt just horrible and it lasted throughout the day and I had a bad feeling in me.

I can't help thinking that he died alone, waiting for someone to come and comfort him on his death bed. And I wasn't even there to bury him. This is like another Rocky case but this time I'm old enough to understand just how painful it is to have someone very important to you suddenly unable to respond and is under the spell of an eternal slumber.

I'm so sorry that you had me for a master. I am the worst master any dog could possibly have. 

You must have suffered so so so much and you tried to show it by getting our attention in the worst way possible but we ignored it, thinking you were just misbehaved.

You were such a good dog. You were amazing. You listened to me. When I was sad you would comfort me and stayed by me even when Wish ran off.

Why didn't I appreciate you truly before? I never had the chance to show you how much I cared for you. I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry.

It was sunny all week but I woke up to a snow blizzard this morning. A sign maybe?

I'm going to miss calling your name. Charlie. Woolie. Wulux. Wulx. 

It's impossible to call you now. You won't come running when those words vibrate in the air.

No one's going to come at all.

I lived in a world where I thought you'd never die and you'd get through all the illnesses that pursued you and that you'd always be waiting for me.

I am thankful that I said "I love you" to you before I left, even though you might not understand what those words mean.

You'll always be in my heart and memories and I will always think back on our good memories.

Good bye Woolie, I love you and I'll miss you a lot.