Cheers to the funeral of my social life

I think I am possibly the biggest idiot in the world to expect that I would be able to change once I get back from my holidays and be able to finally talk with people and guess what? The exact opposite is happening and it doesn't look like I'll reverse any time soon.

It's like an inception of frustration.

I am frustrated that I am unable to start a conversation with anyone and because of that I am frustrated that I can't improve socially and then I become frustrated that I am frustrated with such small matters that I feel like becoming a hobbit or a cave woman and become someone who exists far from social life.

However, with the career path that I'm taking, I am not allowed to be a turtle since I need to make connections with people.

I feel like I came out from the womb all messed up.

I'm a-okay at talking with people very much older than me as well as those much younger than me but I have no idea, no clue whatsoever on how to interact with people around my age.

That being said, I only have very few real friends, not that  I mind that much, but sometimes, there's something that's lacking in these friendships.

At this point, I wish that I had that special someone to share everything with and no, a special someone doesn't have to be a guy. Just someone that I can connect with.

I used to have one but yet again, I got left behind.

I feel so bitter now.

And right when I start to think it's because of other people, I look back at my own self and realise that I myself am a coward and is not even putting a lot of effort herself.

I have improved, that much, I am relieved to have done some baby steps.

Like texting friends first.
Like saying "Hi".
Like smiling more and being more open.

But really, behind all those actions, I hide a growing fear of rejection. Which is why I sometimes don't do any of those things.

And this goes to say that my biggest fear will always be rejection.

I'd rather be plopped into a roller coaster with tattered safety belts than feel rejection being slapped in my face.

Of course, one cannot escape from rejection forever but just the thought of trusting someone and really treating them as friends and then they initially treat you as one but then they forget you and then only come to you when there's problem really gets me.

And I have more or less cremated the hope of ever being romantically involved with anyone.

Hell yeah I'd make a nice and kind girlfriend but the boy will forever suffer the consequences of awkward conversations and a conservativeness that is comparable to that of a nun's.

And now I finally understand why all those shy girls in the movies and mangas are unable to talk to the guys they like.

It's cause it's too freaking difficult.
     
I don't know what to do to begin a conversation with him. It's just too hard and I bet my first impression on him will be a horrible one. My self esteem sure is high.

Why must I be born with a socially awkward syndrome. Why do I like to make things so diffcult for myself. I should've been born as a hermit.

Well yeah, life is so good now. It's just simply amazing.