Broken

Honestly, what I would really like to do now is just to curl up and cry and wail and shriek and be annoying as hell to everyone and to complain and whine and drive people up the wall by being the most sickest brat ever. Really, I'd love to do that.

I'd also like to not care about studying, to not care how much time and effort my family has invested in making me able to do something that I am actually interested in. I'd like to just waste my time mucking my life up. Get wasted, become the daughter that parents only hope they'll get in nightmares but not in real life.

The problem here is that I have too much of a guilt conscience, sanity, and rationality to not go over the boundaries.

Sometimes I'd like to not even believe in my own existence because so far, I haven't even made any big impact in anyone's life and with that I'm saying that I feel that I am replaceable.

I still don't realise how much 2006 affected me. 2011 and 2012 was one of those bad years as well but really, 2006 still runs deep.

It makes me unapproachable and yes, I'm making extra effort to show others that I'm not a cold hearted snob who hates everyone. So I do my best to be nice and I smile and although I really want to finish doing my work, I put my pen down and I listen to what people have to say.

Does that make me fake? Because I'm doing something that I really don't want to?

I like talking and socialising, just not all the time. I'm someone who puts their all in one activity so when I talk, I talk and when I work, I work.

I am thankful though  for the duality in my personality otherwise, I won't be able to understand people at all. I approach things by putting myself in their shoes and considering the circumstances that they are in. It's difficult work but by doing that, I don't let myself dislike people easily, if that makes any sense.

How do I know when I'm an adult already? What is counted as mature? How did this transformation happen? How does it happen? How will it happen?

I long to do stupid things and not care about what other people think about me but I just don't have that kind of spirit in me. But with that good girl image, I seem less approachable.

Life is a hypocrite in every way because without the opposing character in place, we would have never known the other.