Broken

Honestly, what I would really like to do now is just to curl up and cry and wail and shriek and be annoying as hell to everyone and to complain and whine and drive people up the wall by being the most sickest brat ever. Really, I'd love to do that.

I'd also like to not care about studying, to not care how much time and effort my family has invested in making me able to do something that I am actually interested in. I'd like to just waste my time mucking my life up. Get wasted, become the daughter that parents only hope they'll get in nightmares but not in real life.

The problem here is that I have too much of a guilt conscience, sanity, and rationality to not go over the boundaries.

Sometimes I'd like to not even believe in my own existence because so far, I haven't even made any big impact in anyone's life and with that I'm saying that I feel that I am replaceable.

I still don't realise how much 2006 affected me. 2011 and 2012 was one of those bad years as well but really, 2006 still runs deep.

It makes me unapproachable and yes, I'm making extra effort to show others that I'm not a cold hearted snob who hates everyone. So I do my best to be nice and I smile and although I really want to finish doing my work, I put my pen down and I listen to what people have to say.

Does that make me fake? Because I'm doing something that I really don't want to?

I like talking and socialising, just not all the time. I'm someone who puts their all in one activity so when I talk, I talk and when I work, I work.

I am thankful though  for the duality in my personality otherwise, I won't be able to understand people at all. I approach things by putting myself in their shoes and considering the circumstances that they are in. It's difficult work but by doing that, I don't let myself dislike people easily, if that makes any sense.

How do I know when I'm an adult already? What is counted as mature? How did this transformation happen? How does it happen? How will it happen?

I long to do stupid things and not care about what other people think about me but I just don't have that kind of spirit in me. But with that good girl image, I seem less approachable.

Life is a hypocrite in every way because without the opposing character in place, we would have never known the other.

What's left

Sometimes I wonder if I really do make any difference in anyone's life or not.

I'm in a strange mood again but I think it'll help me concentrate better when I do my work after this. I'm not too sure if I can express this well enough but I'll just try.

I feel like I'm only needed at certain points and then for the rest of the line it's okay to forget about me. Like, you don't need to make contact with me anymore.

I guess that in itself is partly my fault as well but I am trying to be more approachable these days.

I have yet to find someone I can really connect with and although there are some people that I've met that is nice enough to me, I just wonder whether or not they're really sincere in our friendship.

I guess I really look like the kind of girl who doesn't care about others but really, it's the opposite of what is thought by most people.

I wonder if anyone is thankful that they met me because I'm always thankful that I have met the people that I have cause if not, I wouldn't be the way that I am today. I bet there are people who regret meeting me but I guess you can't win over everyone can you?

All that I know is that I am doing my best to bring out the best in me. To be good, to be kind, to be compassionate and all of that even though I am really not good in showing it physically.

I will continue to strive harder and to hope that there is light at the end of this tunnel.

Hovering between the clouds and the ground

I'm just in a strange mood right now.

There're probably a few good reasons why (exam stress and whatnot) but I can't seem to point out the real criminal behind this weird mood that I am in.

I feel like sleeping for a long time and when I wake up, everything is in the right order.

Yeah, I should be doing work now.

Cheers to the funeral of my social life

I think I am possibly the biggest idiot in the world to expect that I would be able to change once I get back from my holidays and be able to finally talk with people and guess what? The exact opposite is happening and it doesn't look like I'll reverse any time soon.

It's like an inception of frustration.

I am frustrated that I am unable to start a conversation with anyone and because of that I am frustrated that I can't improve socially and then I become frustrated that I am frustrated with such small matters that I feel like becoming a hobbit or a cave woman and become someone who exists far from social life.

However, with the career path that I'm taking, I am not allowed to be a turtle since I need to make connections with people.

I feel like I came out from the womb all messed up.

I'm a-okay at talking with people very much older than me as well as those much younger than me but I have no idea, no clue whatsoever on how to interact with people around my age.

That being said, I only have very few real friends, not that  I mind that much, but sometimes, there's something that's lacking in these friendships.

At this point, I wish that I had that special someone to share everything with and no, a special someone doesn't have to be a guy. Just someone that I can connect with.

I used to have one but yet again, I got left behind.

I feel so bitter now.

And right when I start to think it's because of other people, I look back at my own self and realise that I myself am a coward and is not even putting a lot of effort herself.

I have improved, that much, I am relieved to have done some baby steps.

Like texting friends first.
Like saying "Hi".
Like smiling more and being more open.

But really, behind all those actions, I hide a growing fear of rejection. Which is why I sometimes don't do any of those things.

And this goes to say that my biggest fear will always be rejection.

I'd rather be plopped into a roller coaster with tattered safety belts than feel rejection being slapped in my face.

Of course, one cannot escape from rejection forever but just the thought of trusting someone and really treating them as friends and then they initially treat you as one but then they forget you and then only come to you when there's problem really gets me.

And I have more or less cremated the hope of ever being romantically involved with anyone.

Hell yeah I'd make a nice and kind girlfriend but the boy will forever suffer the consequences of awkward conversations and a conservativeness that is comparable to that of a nun's.

And now I finally understand why all those shy girls in the movies and mangas are unable to talk to the guys they like.

It's cause it's too freaking difficult.
     
I don't know what to do to begin a conversation with him. It's just too hard and I bet my first impression on him will be a horrible one. My self esteem sure is high.

Why must I be born with a socially awkward syndrome. Why do I like to make things so diffcult for myself. I should've been born as a hermit.

Well yeah, life is so good now. It's just simply amazing.    

To the past Me

First of all, I didn't expect you to get the task of immediately changing from "I JUST FINISHED SPM!" to "I have to sort out where I'm going to live and how to stretch 1 Euro as long as possible".

In fact, I didn't even expect you to deal with Euros until you were married and was going on a honeymoon or something. Preferably I'd have wanted you to hold Wons or Yens but I guess those will just have to wait.

I also didn't expect you to finally realise that you didn't want to be a doctor. Kind of late, but it's okay. :) You also somehow managed to slip out from becoming a doctor and you also (in a way) managed to get your way for once and you have those special people to thank.

What I'm thankful for is that you finally managed to socialise with guys. Hell yeah it's awkward but you'll get there some day. Baby steps are essential so for the moment, put on a thick skin.

Another thing that I'm really thankful for is that you fell for a guy who wouldn't return your feelings. You grew up even more after that brief period of disappointment and you know it and if it wasn't for that, you'd be even more of a bimbo, especially in a foreign place.

What I don't like is the fact that you weren't able to control your weight. I hope you will be able to maintain a healthy weight this year and hopefully in the years to come.

It's good to know that you're able to express yourself more and more to the people around you, to the ones you care about.

And please remember, that if you like someone (not only in the romantic sense), you need to show it otherwise people will think the other way round. You've got enough experience to prove that.

This year is already starting off with a heck load of homework and problems but just persevere and keep your heart light. Better things are in store for you because everything happens for a reason.

All the best! :)