Small hope

Sometimes I wonder why I still try.

When I look all around me...

Whats in there for me???

Honestly.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

Who the heck would like someone like me?

I keep on saying I don't want to scratch but then I end up scratching myself even more.

And now, I can't sleep.

And I smell like blood.

Is that why I continue to read all those mangas?

In the end, I just raise my own hopes.

There you have it, I scratched myself again.

Urgh.

I want to peel of my skin and just buy new skin.

As a grey cloud hovers over

Honestly, I don't update this blog much because I have another place where I can place my thoughts in.

I still have the same phobia.

All I can say is that I finally understand how all those manga character feels whenever they have the same problem.

Cause it hurts.

Anyway, I realised that starting next year, I will live a totally different life.

For one, I'll be attending a co-ed institution. The last time I was in one I was six. And at six, it's easy to make friends with anyone.

Now that we've all grown, there're sure to be some difficulties in making new friends especially if you all come from different schools and you all don't speak the same language. (Cause I'm expecting some students to be speaking Chinese as their main source of verbal communication).

Another point to wonder is if I can actually find a secure base, if you know what I mean.

For instance, I've learned from my sisters and seniors that at first people from the same high school stick together but then in a month's time, that group will slowly start to disintegrate, especially if people start to hook up.

Not like I don't want to, but I feel totally unprepared for that kind of thing. More like feeling unworthy...

All the same I'm freaking scared. Really.

There'll no longer be a lot of the familiar faces I've seen growing up with me from primary school.

I'll miss a lot of people. Really.

But at the same time I'm kind of excited.

Although I don't look at my best (on the count of the eczema =-=;), I will do my best so that my confidence won't be teared down.

On a totally different note, I want to take a short moment to spazz about Lee Jong Hyun. :D

Previously, I really biased him because of his voice, talent, looks, aura, fingers (yes, fingers. He plays the guitar), smile, dimple et cetera... XD

But I never actually got a full-blown crush on him. Cause you know, he's kind of out of my reach.

Then, the other day, I started to watch a lot of CNBLUE based videos and I started to like him. :)

Obviously, I know it's near impossible to ever talk to him (because of location and language reasons) and if I do, I' d probably end up looking like a complete fool.

But still, I have a chance. As long as he's alive and I'm still breathing.

There really is no one like him. A one of a kind. :)

I really like this FMV of him. :) He's so freaking cute in it! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhMwgR3yGRE&feature=g-like

If only, if only.

Where do we stand?

I actually think a lot and write my feelings down.

I just don't really like expressing how I feel unless I'm like super-overwhelmed or something.

I guess I'm just afraid I'd get judged wrongly or misunderstood and then in the end I'm the one who looks like a fool cause this has definitely happened many times.

But the motivational speech last Friday made me think "Hey, it's not that bad to be who you are."

Cause humans were never meant to always win and succeed, nor were they always meant to lose and fail.

No, I'm not going to say that "I should never change because I am me....bla bla bla" because I want to be a better person but I will say that I'm just someone who wants to give it her all in life and to face each day with gratitude.

Some people are far more worse than me. So why should I of all people complain?

It's hard to get my real feelings out. Really.

I get so choked up fighting against myself whether or not to tell others stuff.

I mean, it's really hard for me to truly open up.

So if I've shared stuff with you, it means I really trust you. It doesn't matter what kind of stuff.

From a bloated puppy to guys and stuff.

I don't really go around telling people how I honestly feel about these kind of things.

Okay, going to bath and then study and then sleep. Cause I need it.

Study management

I currently have a very weird way of studying at home.

I'll finish one essay question for History in 25 minutes and then I'll stop, walk around, draw, drink water and then get back on the next question.

Seems to be doing good. But I'm only using this technique when doing essay questions.

Cause I hate them.

I love doing notes the most cause I get to learn even more stuff. And it's even better when you write them down in color using color felt pens. :)

My neck is really red and splotchy. Can hardly concentrate with it.

Going back to studying now cause you know, lazy people won't get anywhere in life according to what the speaker said in yesterday's motivational speech for SFC Day and I feel like "Wow. I'm such a scum and I should get to studying!"

Must work out even more too cause the steroids makes my legs turn into jelly. =-=; Ugh.

Study study study!!!! :D

Kuronuma Sawako

Kuronuma Sawako

In short, she's my role model.

I mean, she may be a manga character and all but I really look up to people with her type of personality.

She never gives up.

And strangely, I find myself studying most of the time because of her.

Why?

She makes me think "Hey, if I try hard enough I can be just as happy as she is." :)

And that alone is enough to make me inspired.

A role model doesn't necessarily have to be a human right?

Some people even look up to dogs (and who wouldn't?).

I want to be happy and as of now I'm changing to become a more grateful and happier person.

Who else in this world has such amazing people surrounding them everyday?

Especially my sisters. They make me feel alright even when everything is so wrong.

Especially when I mess up so bad.

Sure they'll be mad at first but gradually they become so caring.

Sawako makes me feel like I have to constantly improve myself. And I will.

Kimi ni Todoke really is life-changing. I want to meet Karuho Shiina and say thank you.

Who knew a chance upon a manga can change my entire perception on life?

On another note my coloring sucks. Should play around photoshop more. XD

Toki doki

Ever heard?

A gun is like a bird. You hold it too tight, it'll die. You hold it too loose, you'll die.

Sometimes I just look at the road and think, "Where I was just now there's now a bus" or sometimes I stare very hard at a car and wonder if I have the courage to step forward in front of it but then something happens and I let it pass by. No use getting other people guilty.

Do you care? Do you?

Sometimes I think you don't.

I tell you my problems and you don't listen. Well, not properly.

You only want yourself to be heard isn't it?

Sometimes, I just want to scream.

But I can't.

I can't allow that to happen. It won't do me any good anyway.

Going off.

Dr Feel Good

It's really hard to feel good about yourself especially since you see people who are way better, prettier, smarter and more talented than you are everyday.

Sometimes, I just want to disappear. Vaporising into thin air, like water.

I'm a water rooster after all so how hard can it be to just...

I don't know...

It's not impossible to get what I want but it's definitely not an easy climb. It's as hard as asking Angelina Jolie to smash all her Golden Globe, SAG and Oscar awards and then melt them and then have minions turn the molten metal into a sword and then cut her head off.

IDKWICTTFH. IDKWTTA. FM, IMP, IH.

Have to go sleep now. Feeling tired.

This blog is so depressing!!!!!!!! @~(=-=

Sensitive... what an amazing word

And so, last Tuesday I got into the car as usual, ready to go and pick up my costume from the Culture Center.

Me: Uncle, sa kena pigi sana Lembaga Kebudayaan. (Uncle, I have to go to the Culture Center.)

Uncle: Bukan mama kau suruh kau pigi hospital ka? (Didn't your mom ask you to go to the hospital?)

So later on at 3.55 pm, I was sitting in a Dermatologist's office and he asked questions, obviously.

And it turns out that I have extremely sensitive skin because guess what? I've got eczema.

Eczema: A skin condition where the skin is extremely dry and itchy. Scratching the wound will lead to infections and spreading.

Don't know how it looks like? Look down.

Well, mine's not that bad. It's more milder. Like this.

So the doctor gave me a couple of rules...

1] No hot water baths. Ever. (No wonder I hate hot water...=-=)

2] I must always and for the rest of my life use moisturizer immediately after I take a bath.

3] ... Buy expensive soap to bath with because apparently I'm too sensitive to use normal soap so after I finish using my current medicinal soap, I have to use Dove. Only. Forever.

I don't like this. I hate it. Why must it be me? I'm already flawed enough.

God's making me walk through a challenge so I guess I have to be man enough to face it.

At least I'm still at the mild stages. I just need some time. TT~TT

Going off to exercise.... :D... Soon... XD

Allergies

I don't know how or why but they're sprouting everywhere. Especially my legs.

Huge brown dots which are extremely itchy and annoying.

And now they're attacking my fingers and arms. Great. Just great.

And when I looked at my finger just now, it's swelling up as if there's pus inside.

It's not pretty.

I feel like a troll/hobo/witch.

YYYYYYAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KYMS

Letting you know,

Inside the garden, behind the wall, a

soft melody is swaying

to the rhythm of my

echoes.

Nothing is changing, even if

I

nail this memo to the

growing she-oak.

Yellow sunlight,

or

untainted sky?

Narrow alley,

orange scented sweets,

time flies by so fast when you are

silent.

Misunderstanding

Lately, there has been a change and it's not a good one.

I'm not feeling anything but sadness, regret as well as feeling confused.

Let me tell you why.

Firstly, if you're referring to yesterday, I didn't know what it was going to be about. I didn't say to teacher that she must meet me. If anything, I was surprised because she didn't want to see you.

When I went to get the papers, it was not because I wanted to but it was because teacher asked me to.

During bio, I went to get the shoots because I thought everyone else would get the water, set up the apparatus, etc. so when I came back and nothing was prepared I thought that I should go and do it because I'm in no position to tell anyone to do anything.

If you do think I'm handling too much, why not just tell it to me? Wouldn't that be better?

I'm also trying to make up for my absence.

Age isn't a factor. I never used it to gain authority over people. Nor have I used it to look down upon anyone.

I hope you'll check your phone. I sent an apology. After reading, I hope you'll get what I mean or am trying to do.

Or if that doesn't work, a slap would do. I don't mind.

Up In Flames

I have been so freaking busy the past week.

It alternates between;

Study. SRM. Mixing. Scouts. Sports. Study. SRM. Mixing. Scouts. Sports.

Oh look! I got my test papers back and I know I'm not supposed to care a lot but I do. I'm sorry, I just do.

Yes, they're all As but only A-s.

Add Maths (78)

Literature in English (74)

Maths (75)

Okay so English and Sivic were high but they are English and Sivic.

What's so bad about my marks???

I dropped lower than my previous grades.

And I'm pretty sure I'll get close to 50 for Chemistry because of one small typing error which labelled the gas as carbon dioxide instead of 'X'. I would have put hydrogen cause obviously Zn + 2HCl -> Zn(Cl2) + H2

But I know as soon as sports is over, and scouts camp is finished and I finish our choreography then I'll be able to study in full force.

I can't afford to give up. I must not give up no matter how hard life gets.

I believe God will be there to help me.

And I know that I will pull through.