Disappearing

Hey life.

Recently I realized that the reason I was still living was because I had enough from myself to give to others to get them to smile.

But lately I haven't been able to see anyone smiling.

So why do I keep on living my life?

A) If I take my own life I would be defying God's will.

B) I don't want God to be mad.

C) I'm afraid of death and pain.

I want the first half of 2010 back when I still had 4 siblings at home, when I was very hardworking in reaching my goals, when I didn't get a stupid crush that ruined me and pushed me towards the wrong path.

It's not that I don't like life. I just want something so awesome, so amazing, so beautiful to happen to me, well I don't know, right now??? I want to taste spirit and inspiration again.

Please, please, I pray, let 2011 be a year of joy and spirit and not one filled with a grey cloud with no silver lining.

Cause you're beautiful just the way you are...

For sometime now I've been really obsessed with how I look.

For the most part I was influenced by the media.

But coming in at a close second are people near me who I really care about.

Why all the dieting? You're not fat AT ALL. I find you people some of the prettiest people I've actually met in real life.

I don't want you all going through all that just to look like a skeleton.

What do you get when you're a skeleton, dogs?

You want to be healthy, then start living healthy.

As for me, I give up trying to look perfect by forcing myself to do things I can't afford to do.

When Mr Right comes along, I'll know if he's the one if he can accept me for who I am. A girl who loves to eat.

I love eating. I really do.

And I don't see why I must stop myself from doing so to get some guy to like me.

So I'll gain weight and start to get chubby in places but truthfully, I think I was much happier when I was a chubby kid in my childhood then when I was some slim girl in high school. I'm learning to love myself and maybe one day when I do, I can sincerely begin to love others as well.

When I do meet the people I wish to meet I will introduce myself to them as the person who I truly am. Not some depressed skinny kid.

I hope that one day we will meet. I'm praying for that everyday and who knows, it might come true. Just like how I prayed to go to South Korea and that took some time but hey, I got there in the end.

God has the power to do anything so I'm putting all my faith in Him.

For now, I'm just going to take baby steps because when I took giant leaps, I ended up falling behind even more.

Just so you know, this is all for you. :)

I'm Sorry

If you're that mad with me, then why don't you just tell me?

At least I can apologize to you.

Or am I thinking too much?

Just let me know. I don't mind honesty even though it's brutal.

I'm sorry if I've upset you in any way possible. I really am.

Maybe one day, it'll be alright.

That's what I'm hoping for.

So lets just get this over with, yeah?

It was just WEIRD. And I have no idea what's going on.

Yesterday was honestly weird.

A whole bunch of KDCA people went to CP to buy stuff and the whole atmosphere was just weird. I just felt like it was weird.

You know, girls aren't that weak.

I don't mind not sitting down, but no.

Just because I am a girl I have to sit down.

We met Vusak there! :D

And we all ate lunch together like a happy family. But Vusak ran off to DDR so I focused on eating.

OM NOM NOM NOM

Then we went to Watsons and bought more stuff. It's like.... never mind.

Then we went to Calender and then to Palm Square where everybody went to fool themselves by being conned by a "magician".

I went to City Parade to buy Mom's Sony charger and luckily, the first shop I went to had one!

AND THEY WERE SELLING YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL (It read He's Beautiful =_=;) AT RM89.90!

But I don't have money so, yeah.

Then I went back up and we went to Going Places where they all shopped for beanies and scarves.

There was too many of us so I went out of the shop with Vusak.

The woman was pissed. I could tell.

At least they bought something.

Then Vusak and I DDR-ed.

And then we went to the Karaoke room.

Yeah.... That's where all the weirdness became more weird.

Definitely the weirdest thing that has happened to me.

weird weird weird

So after singing, I ran out.

To the toilet.

Because it was WEIRD. TO THE MAX.

Then Vusak and I went home in a taxi.

I'm sorry Mom, Cat, Kir and Mason for making you all worried.

I really apologize.

Yeah...

Yesterday was the weirdest day yet in my entire life.

Hitting Rock Bottom To Push Yourself To The Top

When will I ever become someone I can be proud of? I am so... different compared to my other siblings.

I used to be so outgoing and friendly and now...I'm just scared.

I'm scared of being rejected.

I've been rejected before by my best friends and when I asked why, they never told me why. Eventually, they asked me to be their best friend again but I couldn't. How could I trust the same people that rejected me and caused me to have a lonely life without a proper excuse?

I don't think these people realize how hurtful their words and actions had been up till this day. It still hurts. It's left this really huge scar that has not even been healed over the years that has passed.

I asked them last year "Why did all of you stopped being my best friend?"

She just said "Erm....I don't know....Why are you asking me this? That happened a long time ago LAH...." She was fidgeting and looking very uncomfortable the whole time.

Hey, if I ask you to tell me something, please say it straight to my face especially if it is about my behavior or personality. How am I supposed to improve if I don't know what the heck is wrong with me?

Seriously, you don't know how much you have hurt me and caused me to change for the worse based on my social life. Thanks to that incident, I'm afraid of so many things.

I'm afraid to initiate a conversation.

I'm afraid of saying "Hey!" to people I know.

I'm afraid of saying anything hurtful that I'll keep my mouth shut and listen to you instead but in the end, you don't even talk.

I'm afraid of approaching people no matter how much I would like to get to know them.

And because of all these fears I don't get to get what I want.

I want to smile without being told I look like a giant.

I want to talk normally.

I want to make friends. New ones.

I want to be friendly.

I want to say "Hello!" to people and not have them look at me weirdly.

Another reason why I'm afraid.

What if I begin to try to change and people look at me weirdly and say really mean things? I'm not a strong person in that area. I know I'll just hit rock bottom again and refuse to float up even though a submarine comes down and asks me to get on.

I don't want to scare anyone. I really don't.

Please know that I really want to talk sometimes but I can't because I'm busy.

I'm sorry I look like this.

I'm sorry that I fear rejection.

I'm sorry I'm not as nice/friendly/pretty/mature/popular/perfect as my siblings.

And what's worse is that I haven't found someone who can bring me out of this state. I don't think anyone can.

Can they?

I hope hope hope hope so hard that I will find that someone one day.

Y, Why?

After looking at loads of blogs I realized that how mine looks like is kind of boring.

But seriously, I made this for myself so I guess it's okay.

I haven't posted anything up for a year. Probably because my sad life isn't that exciting. I prefer to just let them reside inside myself and slowly let it overpower my thoughts and soul.

The first 6 months of this year was awesome.

I was very hardworking. I was very disciplined. I was really fit. I had a good brain.

I had motivation.

But now, it seems like I lack everything. I feel like giving up and yet, this tiny person in my heart keeps saying "You know you don't want to give up." And I admit that this "person" is right. I must go on.

But I keep on failing.

It's no one's fault but mine. I am to blame.

Realization

The wind was there when the crying

clouds

were relishing its anger to the ground below.

The sky was there too, only

it was so high up that

the cloud never

noticed

the sky trying to ease its pain.

"Why can you only see an invisible

shadow, and not a nearby

shield?"

Let us wait,

Let us wait,

for when both wind and cloud realizes that

when the sky is

gone

so are they,

so are they.

I hope that I will be more positive. I will do my best.