Ikanaide

Sometimes when you just want someone to listen to you wail and cry and complain and just be an absolute brat with, you take a step back to realise who exactly can you do that with without any hesitations or worries.

And that's when you realise that you really can't be that way with anyone.

Why?

Because you're afraid that they will leave you.
That their absence in your life will cause you to go even deeper within yourself, to a place where no one can reach out to you.

And that's when you start to have negative thoughts which spirals out of control because you're too scared to trust anyone with yourself.
Because betrayal hurts and the pain is too real.
So it's better to let the pain pile up inside you.
Afterall, it's better to know that you yourself are causing this pain and it isn't because someone did it.

Or because someone you cared did it.

In short, one bad thought will lead to other darker ones which leaves you blindly groping around for security.

And it's not even like you're blind.
You just refuse to truly open your eyes to look for help.
Because you were never used to opening your eyes before.
And to meet the unknown in a time where you're desperate for help scares you.

Because if you get hurt even more, you have no idea where you'll end up, away from the dark hole where you're kind of used to be in.

Because that place might be even worse than the place where you are at now.

Stop and stare

I've been thinking a lot. Not like I don't think a lot but now I think even more than I used to.

It could be because of several factors but it's hard to list them out properly, to even begin to put them together chronologically according to what I should prioritise most is definitely out of the question.

What I'm sure for now is that I've never felt so lost and empty.

I fell into a kind of blue state earlier on this year and now, I somehow feel like I'm being dragged into it again.

I think it's mainly due to the fact that I'm thinking a lot about my future, the kind of job that I'll get or should find.
It should be related to architecture, more or less, since that's what I'm doing now but I'm not even skilful with digitally drawing the technical things, who would want to even consider me to become an intern?

And while everyone's moving forward in their dreams, here I am trying to make something kind of impossible happen.

I really love drawing, I do.
I think about it day and night and for sure, I always open my eyes and observe the world to be able to learn how to draw everything that I see.

But this journey is really hard, for several reasons.
Parents. Lack of skill. Time. Opportunities. Language. To name a few.

It makes me wonder why we can't just do what we want to do.

But I do know, my dream is something that is bizarre.
I took a step back to look at what I have and I realised... I really don't have much to offer.

I just cheat and lie the whole time. I cheat and lie so much.

I will slowly do some work now but I really can't be bothered, really.