I'm really feeling the homesickness now. It really took some time to kick in but now that it's here I feel like I'm in this bubble of nothingness and black spaces.
I'm doing things to occupy my time but nothing seems to be really working out and honestly I feel a bit scared of my own thoughts sometimes.
Nothing really seems to be cheering me up now and I don't really have anything to look forward to when school starts. Maybe Physics. I can totally immerse myself in that and not care about design studio and such. I should've become someone who just learnt about Add Maths and Physics. Hahahaha, I might think the opposite if I had took those up.
Sabah Tea is the best tea in the whole wide world. I'm glad I took them back with me.
I can't even call this place a home. I still feel like I'm in a strange and foreign land and I just couldn't care less about what those people around me think of me. I'm too tired to care how I look like.
But you know what they say, it's always darkest before the dawn.
So maybe something awesome will happen soon. If I could meet EXO in person that would be great hahahahaha.
It really feels much better typing all of these out rather than keeping it inside. It feels like I'm actually talking to someone even though I'm not.
Yeah. I feel much better now.
I really did knew it was coming but the day when I'll be leaving home again is finally just around the corner and all I really want to do is crawl under my mom's blankets and wish that I didn't have to grow up.
Here I am, just looking at the pile of junk I have to sort out in order to pack and I kind of know how I'll be packing but I can't seem to make myself want to actually execute things out.
In the first place, there's really nothing whatsoever that is of great meaning to me back in Italy so really, I have nothing to look forward to when I go back there.
The only good thing that I can think about to use to cheer myself up is that I'll have loads of time to concentrate on my dreams and to really put words into motion so yeah, my excitement to go back is practically non-existent. Not even aeroplane rides cheer me up anymore, in fact, it sickens me slightly.
I can already predict that this time around when I go through the immigration counters, I'm going to cry.
I didn't cry the first two times that I left KK but honestly, I think I just realised what a big deal it is to leave people you really love and sincerely care about behind. People that you don't need to act not yourself around. People who can put up with you for who you are and cherish the good things about you.
I really felt alone when I was in Milan and it's the kind of loneliness that you can't put into words.
During bad times, I can even go up to three days of not speaking to anyone except to myself which keeps me up till the wee hours of morning, sitting at my desktop while staring blankly into space. I'm scared that I will do that again.
It's at this point that it is vital that you find a really really really good friend but I have yet to find one. Of course there are some really good people around me but I can never seem to loosen up myself for them and I end up hurting them so it would have been better if I never was in their life to begin with.
I'm scared.
For now I'm going to sort my things out and just decide where to pack what. I don't think I'll be able to sleep well for the next few days.
