Shifting

I have finally moved all my things from my residence to my new room in a new apartment.

I feel sad that I had to leave my previous roommate behind but I managed to not get all emotional and I didn't cry in front of her, speaking of which, I have yet to cry so I'm doing okay now.

The people I've met so far are really nice but it's a shame that the one who's most talkative with me is the very one whom I'm replacing in this apartment. She even asked me if I wanted to go out with them but I can't cause I still need to plan where to put my things and I have a test tomorrow. She was cool though and she said that we can talk anytime even after she moves out.

I'm glad that my roommate is a very nice and friendly girl. This time, I have a Chinese roommate and I guess I can connect with her better in some ways. She's also very motivational for me because she works so hard so I can only hope that I will be able to work harder in this coming semester.

For now, I'm quite satisfied with my living space and I don't have a fixed schedule yet but I hope to be able to sort everything out tomorrow.

I'm also going to be joining a gym since my roommate goes there frequently. I want to be as fit as I was again last time!

I can't wait for the skiing trip! I hope everything goes well for the next few days. :)

And that's all for now! :D

Down

I actually feel better when I'm sad sometimes. I feel guilty whenever I'm happy because someone else out there is going through hell.

This is a good wake up call.

Another thing to be thankful about

I drew an illustration of an old couple who was waiting behind me in the shopping queue because I felt so touched with their love the minute I got back from the supermarket.

Then I posted it in hitrecord.org without contributing it to an album, just to get my thoughts out.

It got an unnecessarily huge amount of recommendations and I felt so amazed.

What makes me more happier is that some of the people that I admire in that site actually recommended my work. :D

The illustration wasn't perfect, there were so many flaws and I definitely wouldn't give it the blue ribbon but I drew that with an honest intention.

This is when I think again how art is only art when you're honest in doing it. You can't see it but you can feel the honesty the artist tried to display.

This is such an encouragement to me and I can only hope I'll be able to grow even further in increasing my creativity and skill. It also gives me another chance to use a different style than the one I normally use.

Fingers crossed that something good will come out of this. :)

When you've worked hard

A lot of good things happen to me today and I think all the bad things that happened to me the week before was to prepare me to get even more happier with how today turned out.

I got very very good marks for the History exam which I really worked hard for.

I got the LED lights and wires that I really really needed for my upcoming exam.

I got to talk with the guy for a very very long time even though it didn't seem that way to me but we talked for almost an hour.

I am really thankful to God for all that He's given me. He knows everything and he knows when to give things and when to take them away to make us strong. Thank you, God. Thank you.

Dark blue

I've been getting bad luck all week even though I tried to stay positive.

Now I should be a doing a million things but I feel like if I get started on them, they'll turn sour like milk.

I feel like life gave up on me. That I can't be saved anymore.

I like staying positive and I want to stay positive but it's hard to be positive when negativity always hits you square in the face and laughs at you while you try to stand up again on bruised knees.

I freaking feel so so so guilty for not attending Ash Wednesday Mass and I went to the church twice today (morning and afternoon) and attended two Masses but neither of them was for Ash Wednesday and I even tried to Google a Mass celebration for it in Milan but I got zero results.

I also find it such a hindrance to not be able to speak Italian. I can't wait for the holidays so that I can study some and at least learn a couple of sentences.

I feel like my whole body clock and mind is messed up.

I'm getting too emotional over the smallest things and I feel like my head is about to explode and all I want to do is drive a screwdriver through it to stop the throbbing. It's almost like someone's knocking at my door, asking me to get out of there and leave everything behind.

I just want to get into bed and sleep. For a long time.

But no, I'm going to bathe and then study something. And then sleep. And then wake up early to study some more.

I think this all originated from the 28 I got. And from my never ending super high goals that I set for myself.

Who am I kidding, seriously.

An unheard farewell

I knew he would die.

I don't know how or why but on the last day I was in Malaysia and was about to leave to the airport I thought to myself "You better pet them all, even with your condition. Who knows what might happen when you leave?"

I was a bit scared to but I did it in the end and I petted all of them, him last and I remember looking at his eyes and wondering if he knew I was leaving and I promised him that I'd bring him more food the next time I came back.

When I first got the news through Whatsapp I was stunned and shocked and I cried a bit but since I was so tired and sleepy, I didn't get the full impact.

In the morning I told my roommate and she was very sympathetic but I somehow managed to pull myself together and not cry.

When she left, my mom called, asking me how I was and at that point I felt the tears coming already and I cried when I asked Mason how he was but I didn't bawl, luckily.

Now I feel like crying but it isn't much compared to this huge emptiness I'm housing currently. I don't know if it's because I got unlucky so many times today, but I feel like utter crap.

I think he died around the time I started to mess up in my project the day before yesterday. My time, afternoon, his, night.

I was initially doing okay with my project but I messed something up and from then on, I felt just horrible and it lasted throughout the day and I had a bad feeling in me.

I can't help thinking that he died alone, waiting for someone to come and comfort him on his death bed. And I wasn't even there to bury him. This is like another Rocky case but this time I'm old enough to understand just how painful it is to have someone very important to you suddenly unable to respond and is under the spell of an eternal slumber.

I'm so sorry that you had me for a master. I am the worst master any dog could possibly have. 

You must have suffered so so so much and you tried to show it by getting our attention in the worst way possible but we ignored it, thinking you were just misbehaved.

You were such a good dog. You were amazing. You listened to me. When I was sad you would comfort me and stayed by me even when Wish ran off.

Why didn't I appreciate you truly before? I never had the chance to show you how much I cared for you. I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry.

It was sunny all week but I woke up to a snow blizzard this morning. A sign maybe?

I'm going to miss calling your name. Charlie. Woolie. Wulux. Wulx. 

It's impossible to call you now. You won't come running when those words vibrate in the air.

No one's going to come at all.

I lived in a world where I thought you'd never die and you'd get through all the illnesses that pursued you and that you'd always be waiting for me.

I am thankful that I said "I love you" to you before I left, even though you might not understand what those words mean.

You'll always be in my heart and memories and I will always think back on our good memories.

Good bye Woolie, I love you and I'll miss you a lot. 

Only in dream

I really have this urge to write down the dream I had last night. It was extremely vivid and oh-so-weird cause I don't actually get dreams like that very often.

But let me start from yesterday's nap in the afternoon.

I remember being in a part of town in Milan called Bovisa and at that point I remember that I had just finished scanning my documents and I wanted to get out from there and so I walked around the streets aimlessly which is weird since I have a good sense of direction.

Then it started to get dark and foggy so I panicked because I literally couldn't see in front of me and my eyesight started to become dark, which is weird since I've never experienced something like that before.

When I finally got out it was bright again and for some reason I re-entered Bovisa from a different entrance and I met someone but I don't know who. I just remember English style wooden fences and meadows and hills. Then I woke up.

The one last night, I can't remember how it started so I'll just write from the part that I can actually remember.

So my entire family and I were in some kind of theatre with some really old guy with a long beard of whom I referred to as my grandpa with a couple of very muscular men and women. I think we were supposed to perform a trick of some kind so I went first with the muscular men and women.

I don't remember what kind of trick we did but it was over soon enough.

Then, the rest of my family and the grandpa got out to perform theirs so I just stood at the left wing and watched them and suddenly I got knocked out and when I awoke I saw a train and a carriage on the stage.

Then, the old guy proceeded to play a very haunting but eerily beautiful melody using the train's cylindrical body like a violin and an umbrella as the bow and I remember someone saying "This is just beautiful".

Then, the old guy proceeded to put my family and animals into one another.

First, he opened an orange striped cat's belly and pushed in one of my siblings and he opened their mouths and pushed in more people and animals. When that was done, he opened the carriage door and I saw my brother and then he closed it again.

Each time he opened it, another human or animal appeared and it was eerie because all of them had fire orange eyes and looked possessed, their mouths hanging open and a blank stare into the distance.

What was weird is that no one cried for help throughout that time.

It ended and suddenly everyone was back to normal and it was as though their memories were wiped clean about the performance.

It doesn't sound scary but the setting was very freaky and scary but at that time I felt no such fear.

I'm really considering to draw it out.

Maybe this is a sign for me to be more creative and to push even harder towards my goal.

Or it could be a sign of extreme distress from the marks I got yesterday which was quite good but is not good enough for me. I must work harder in the future.

Attack of Murphy's Law

I got attacked this whole day, really.

First of, I woke up late so breakfast was super fast. Then, I went to the bus stop only to realise that I forgot the drawings that I had to scan so I had to miss the bus that was just about to leave which I had been waiting for for 8 minutes.

Next, I waited for 3 hours before I could finally ask my lecturer 12 questions which she answered in 10 minutes and then I thought I could go scan my drawings but no, I forgot the sketchbook that I had to scan as well so I had to waste 25 minutes to go back to my residence to get it.

Then I had to wait for 12 minutes for a bus while I watched two kids getting on the bus that I should've went on as well.

Then, I had to go on the train to a far away destination and just before we reached my stop the train literally stopped and didn't move for a good 15 minutes which is just fine since it's 5.50 pm and the shops closes at 6.30 pm. How nice.

I reached the shop in time, and yet again, I had to wait a long time before it was my turn and then one of the files couldn't be printed since it was PNG and not TIFF or JPG or JPEG so that took some time as well and by the time I left, I had to go through the back door since the shop already closed 15 minutes before.

Did I mention that I didn't eat lunch?

And when I tried to edit my scans, somewhere somehow I found complications and I was battling with resolutions and sizes for the past hour because they were too big to be read.

And thus ends my day today.

But I don't feel too bitter about it somehow. It's like I just gave up on living life.

Maybe something good will come out of this, I don't know.