Slipping between your fingers

Ever had the feeling that you were just attracted to someone for something that you can't really put into words but you know is really good?


The last time I ever liked someone, the feeling pretty much wore off after a month and I wasn't at all upset with the fact that I'd never get to see him again or even that I messed up my chance with him.


Even though I did eventually meet him again, I didn't get that reaction again, the one that causes butterflies to swirl in your stomach creating rainbows of all sizes. I just felt quite neutral.


And this all happened after just one month of not seeing him.


Right now, I don't know why, the feeling still remains after close to two months of not seeing him properly.


I thought that it would eventually fade and that I would eventually forget him but I don't know why I can't.


It's not like we did anything big together in comparison to the previous guy whom I actually talked and conversed with, hung out with and even traveled with to Seoul for more than a week.


In fact, my memories of him are filled with small details but together they make up a huge picture.


Like when we arranged tables, sat across from each other accidentally in the cafeteria, cleaned up rooms, playing rock-paper-scissors, him ginning whenever I talk, him giving me the box, him pronouncing my name correctly.


In the end, everything I think of will end up at that word.


"Him."


I wonder why he seems so special to me.


I've racked my brains for hours trying to find a reason that I can point to and say "Yes, you're the criminal for making me like him" but I just can't find it.


Either that or I haven't searched enough.


Pretty corny, I know, but honestly, that's how I really feel.


CNBLUE's One of a Kind can be used to express some of my feelings into words but there's so much that can be shown verbally.


I'm scared to admit this but I know that I might probably be waiting for years just for him.


Why?


There's just something in him.


Last week when I briefly got a glance of him, my heart started to pound really hard and it didn't stop for 5 minutes.


By then, I honestly thought that I could have moved on but apparently my subconscious doesn't think so.


I should sleep. 

Equilibrium shift

Didn't think I'd ever get to go to a birthday party at night but I did, yesterday.


Sutera is a really awesome place to throw a party especially if you're really well-off and I was just amazed at everything.


Thankfully I wasn't all awkward and I got to talk to some of the people there and so I'm hoping that I won't be all awkward with them tomorrow.


The best part was some of us walked to the end of the "pier" and screamed out stuff to the sea (which is something that the sea seems to make people do).


I feel slightly better now, not as stupid as I did a few days ago.


I need to study harder now cause I really want to do well and get a scholarship.


Also, I'm no longer striving to be a doctor cause I'm not particularly interested in it but for the most part, the cost is really too expensive especially since there're five of us.


And so, I'm shifting my goal to become an architect which is really more suited for me.


I'm kind of hoping to get into Politecnico di Milano for this year's batch even though I'll be a bit sad leaving IS but I know it's for the better.


Sleeping now cause my face hurts from all the medication. =-=;

Too...

I brought this on myself.


Honestly, I wouldn't mind moving but if I didn't get it then it means that I wasn't good enough but if it makes you feel better, you can go ahead and make some calls.


She only gets worked up when I get responses. She never even helped me throughout the process.


I know that she wants me to be independent so I just followed through.


But when I tell her the outcome for certain things, she starts saying stuff she doesn't even know about.


This is why there's a gap between us.


Whenever I want to talk with her, she doesn't really listen.


Our conversations are mostly about necessary things, nothing personal, which I think widens this gap even more.


She looks down on me, she said so herself.


She didn't expect me to get 9As for my results. She didn't expect me to be able to cook. She didn't expect me to be able to learn to book flight tickets. She doesn't think I'm competent enough to drive.


I'm actually studying now as opposed to the last few months because I really want to get a scholarship with my A Level results cause lets face it, I'm not getting any anytime soon.


I don't want to look any weaker so I'll just stop here.