The way I see it, my life in Milan is pretty much comfortable and settled down and I have quite enough of everything. But I can't seem to enjoy the way things are working out now somehow.
Maybe it's the whole political situation in Sabah. My mind can't seem to accept the fact that most of my family is living there now, a potentially harmful place.
And here I am, going online and studying.
I can't seem to enjoy life. Probably because I think too much.
What are we looking for in life? What do we humans search for and pine after? What is that missing bit that leaves an emptiness so big inside of you that sometimes you can no longer pretend that you are just okay? An emptiness that leaves no room for emotion even. Just a huge blank slate.
Out there, there're people who are living their lives and I congratulate them for taking the risk.
Not to mention, there're all those hypocrites who long to see humanity restored and yet have the courtesy to back stab, snub, ignore, ostracise, bully etc.
Sometimes it's hard to be someone who's nice and who considers everyone's feelings and happiness because most of the time, you're compensating your own and when something really good happens you can't help but feel guilty.
Is there even any good in ranting all this out? For me, I guess so. Listing things out and writing them down helps me to try and get a clean slate to reorganise this mind.
I'm doing things to improve and I'm slowly making baby steps but really, what is my goal?
I chase after a dream and raise my hopes and when I realise that I can't keep up in the race, I stupidly still try to hang on till I break my legs and my breath comes up in nothing but staccatos on red hot coals.
It's hard to find chemistry, a connection, with someone.
I felt really alone today in some way.
I sat next to two of my Chinese friends and they both talked to each other in Mandarin and I really couldn't keep up so I just focused my attention on something else. I noticed that they both definitely hit it off better than I could ever do with either of them since the tone of the voice and expressions are more lively. Of course there's a language barrier but I just can't help but feel that I'll only be acknowledged if I knew how to communicate in Mandarin.
Technically, few Chinese people approach me since I don't speak Mandarin and in a way, European people don't particularly like talking with Asians as the Chinese people in my class tend to hang out together and just speak in Mandarin.
So I really don't feel connected with anyone. Except for my previous roommate. Now she's one of the few real friends that I ever had.
Do people pretend to like me? Why continue to hang out with me if I'm nothing but nuisance to you? I didn't chain you to me, you could look for other people oh but that would mean that you will let go off your safe zone, your safe friend, the one that makes you not look pathetic for not having a friend.
Ugh. Writing this all out makes me more depressed and pathetic. I'm going to bed.
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