A year ago

I really feel like I changed a lot in the past year and most things have changed for the better but as a human, I have definitely taken a step back in some areas as well but today I will dwell on the more positive aspect.

Ever since the primary 6 incident, I have a real huge fear of being friendly when meeting someone for the first time and in fact, the fear grew even worse and it grew with me into college and it got so bad that people were scared to talk with me when in fact, I was probably more scared to talk with them.

I myself am not so sure why I got such a fear and why it lasted so long with me.

Maybe it's so that I can understand people from another perspective and so on or it could be that I needed a long time to reshape my previously extremely arrogant, snobbish and strict personality of which I am really ashamed about.

So back to the point here, I was really socially awkward unless I had to present something in class because then I felt like that at least some people would listen to me. I really have no idea how I made friends and why they stayed with me over those few years. I was really someone tiring to be with.

Today though, I finally felt like I am able to actually make a good conversation with people and even after the dinner, they still want to get together and hang out some time.

But this probably started ever since the skiing trip since I actually still am in contact with two of the people from the trip that I least expected to still be in touch with. Maybe I am still in touch with them because I actually placed the effort in to talking with them and approaching them first.

So maybe, I think, I really have to show people that I do like talking with people and try to make them feel comfortable around me before our relationship grows any further.

It was hardwork though, coming to this level.

I spent a lot of time thinking and I made a heck lot of errors while talking with people but I'm glad that most of the people that I talk to are nice enough to still consider me okay to talk with.

And my conclusion is, I can be someone that people will want to talk to and hang out with, a conclusion I would have never reached if I had still continued with my A-Levels probably, always going to keep mostly to herself and to her friends.

And after all those practices, I'm starting to find that making conversations are actually quite easy and I really prefer them more then chatting online which goes to say that I can't wait to see him so that I can talk with him and that I really hope that I will be able to sit next to him on the bus and strike a nice little conversation with him. It would be really nice.

At the end of today when I came back (almost dying from the excess food in my stomach) I even talked with my roomie for a very long time, almost 2 hours, and if it weren't for the fact that I was sleepy and in pain, I would have talked more since she wasn't sleepy (pretty odd since she's usually asleep by 9.00 pm and I got back close to 10.00 pm). It was a really good talk.

In fact, I really enjoyed all the conversations I had today.

Even though I looked just horrible and my outfit wasn't good (I didn't expect to be invited to dinner hahahaha), I just let my real self go and it felt good not hiding under layers of a thick brick mask.

So slowly, I am improving socially and I am very thankful for that. I only hope that I won't overdo things and that I will still be able to improve even more in the right way.

And now I'm sleepy so I shall sleep soon. Good night. :)

Where does this road lead to?

The way I see it, my life in Milan is pretty much comfortable and settled down and I have quite enough of everything. But I can't seem to enjoy the way things are working out now somehow.

Maybe it's the whole political situation in Sabah. My mind can't seem to accept the fact that most of my family is living there now, a potentially harmful place.

And here I am, going online and studying.

I can't seem to enjoy life. Probably because I think too much.

What are we looking for in life? What do we humans search for and pine after? What is that missing bit that leaves an emptiness so big inside of you that sometimes you can no longer pretend that you are just okay? An emptiness that leaves no room for emotion even. Just a huge blank slate.

Out there, there're people who are living their lives and I congratulate them for taking the risk.

Not to mention, there're all those hypocrites who long to see humanity restored and yet have the courtesy to back stab, snub, ignore, ostracise, bully etc.

Sometimes it's hard to be someone who's nice and who considers everyone's feelings and happiness because most of the time, you're compensating your own and when something really good happens you can't help but feel guilty.

Is there even any good in ranting all this out? For me, I guess so. Listing things out and writing them down helps me to try and get a clean slate to reorganise this mind.

I'm doing things to improve and I'm slowly making baby steps but really, what is my goal?

I chase after a dream and raise my hopes and when I realise that I can't keep up in the race, I stupidly still try to hang on till I break my legs and my breath comes up in nothing but staccatos on red hot coals.

It's hard to find chemistry, a connection, with someone.

I felt really alone today in some way.

I sat next to two of my Chinese friends and they both talked to each other in Mandarin and I really couldn't keep up so I just focused my attention on something else. I noticed that they both definitely hit it off better than I could ever do with either of them since the tone of the voice and expressions are more lively. Of course there's a language barrier but I just can't help but feel that I'll only be acknowledged if I knew how to communicate in Mandarin.

Technically, few Chinese people approach me since I don't speak Mandarin and in a way, European people don't particularly like talking with Asians as the Chinese people in my class tend to hang out together and just speak in Mandarin.

So I really don't feel connected with anyone. Except for my previous roommate. Now she's one of the few real friends that I ever had.

Do people pretend to like me? Why continue to hang out with me if I'm nothing but nuisance to you? I didn't chain you to me, you could look for other people oh but that would mean that you will let go off your safe zone, your safe friend, the one that makes you not look pathetic for not having a friend.

Ugh. Writing this all out makes me more depressed and pathetic. I'm going to bed.