Not going to lose focus

Reminder to self, you only like him and no other guy.


Don't even think about other guys.


I wish I could do something so that I could at least see him.


Hahaha. I'm so freaking tempted to SMS him right now and ask if he's busy studying. But I won't of course cause I have no right to ask that.


I want to see him soon.


And hopefully by then, I'll look better.

New

I am sick of wishing to become a better person who is pretty and smart.


The next time you see me, I will be a different person.


It will kill me a lot (metaphorically) of course but I refuse to be the wallflower who admires all those other pretty girls who are drawn to you.


So what if it'll take a long time?


I know that I don't want to be the person that I am right now and I just want to break free from these bonds that I've carried with me since the first time I fell and that was two years ago.


It's time to go back and get back my discipline and determination and plant them back inside me and truly begin to make the change I need to become the person I want to be.

When it all comes down to this

Actually, I'm not sure how to start expressing myself right now.


There are so many things going on in my mind but I do know for sure that if I don't take this time to get all these things off my chest, I won't be able to concentrate and focus on my life.


I feel empty now with a tinge of sadness.


I feel like I'm just walking through life without stopping by anywhere to enjoy the flowers and other foliage.




My allergies are coming back and I don't know why.


It's getting harder to lose weight even though I'm trying my best to.


Well, maybe not my best but previously, with the same amount of effort, I'd be back in shape within 4 days.


It's like my own body refuses to listen to me.




I have always been very socially awkward.


Leave me with someone I barely know or even worse, someone that I do know and I won't know how to keep a normal conversation without going into "Urms..." and making a fool of myself in order to distract them away from the fact that I don't have any idea how to talk with them normally.


I can only talk normally with people that I am very very close to and even then, I mostly listen and I barely make any real eye contact with them.




I still fear that I am not someone that anyone would want to be friends with.


It's not like I'm unfriendly or anything.


I just found out that someone really wanted to be my close friend last year but because she thought that I was too busy/serious, she didn't dare to approach me.


Do I really give off that aura? Do I really seem that unapproachable?


I seriously envy anyone who can just strike up a conversation with anyone casually and then continue doing that every single day.


I have no idea how they do it and yes, I am extremely impressed by these people.


I do my best to show that I like talking with people and yet, whenever I start talking with anyone, they seem so shocked, like they don't expect me to converse with them.


In a way, that hurts.




I wish I could re-create this image or perception of everyone towards me.




Maybe, this is one of the reasons why I like him.


People are afraid to approach him because they think he's scary although he doesn't have such a serious problem with this as compared to me as he has always been in a co-ed school.




I know that there is really little hope for me regarding him but still a part of me refuses to let go.


I feel like a fool.




I've been listening to his favourite band recently and I don't know why but I feel like I'm invading his privacy.


The songs that I like touch me one way or another.


One of the lyrics go "I think of you from time to time and in between."


I can't help thinking how true those words are.


It's like I can't stop my brain from thinking about him even though I know that my situation is helpless.


Sometimes, I wish that I never did like him but then again, I feel so happy that I did like him.


For me, he really is a one of a kind person and I feel like I can understand him as cliche as that sounds.




Never mind.




For now, I'm just going to try to concentrate on my studies, as difficult as that is for now.

You have no idea

Really.


You seriously have no idea how much I like you.


The first time we virtually communicated, I was shaking like really bad, as much as I hate to admit it, and yes it sounds very exaggerated but it's the truth.


I couldn't stop blushing for 10 minutes.


And you weren't even here.


I couldn't even stop moving and jumping and rolling on the bed.


Because I was that happy.


And then today when you guys sat right next to us, I was too afraid to even look in your direction which, previously, I was never shameless to do.


In fact, I couldn't eat properly.


Because my hands kept on going to my face because I honestly wondered how my face could get so hot so fast and last for more than 40 minutes.


Even people wondered why I had a fever.


But it wasn't a fever cause I'm feeling relatively very cool now and my cheeks aren't burning up.


I really really really want to talk to you and say "Hi" but I have no idea whatsoever in doing the first move without screwing up cause I've never really experienced something like this in real life.


In real life.


Cause I've been living in an all girls school for 10 years.


I wish words could come to me as easily as they can whenever I talk to other people, even strangers that I've just met.


I think it's partly cause you are a combination of two things that I used to (and still might) fear.


A. You are a senior.


B. You are a guy.


I'm really scared and I sound like some fluffed up girly girl but I really am scared.


I'm scared of making the first move and ending up looking like a fool because I have no idea how to read signals and clues and indications as to whether or not you're interested in me or as to whether or not I should really take the first step.


I need to get more confidence.