Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Hitting Rock Bottom To Push Yourself To The Top

When will I ever become someone I can be proud of? I am so... different compared to my other siblings.

I used to be so outgoing and friendly and now...I'm just scared.

I'm scared of being rejected.

I've been rejected before by my best friends and when I asked why, they never told me why. Eventually, they asked me to be their best friend again but I couldn't. How could I trust the same people that rejected me and caused me to have a lonely life without a proper excuse?

I don't think these people realize how hurtful their words and actions had been up till this day. It still hurts. It's left this really huge scar that has not even been healed over the years that has passed.

I asked them last year "Why did all of you stopped being my best friend?"

She just said "Erm....I don't know....Why are you asking me this? That happened a long time ago LAH...." She was fidgeting and looking very uncomfortable the whole time.

Hey, if I ask you to tell me something, please say it straight to my face especially if it is about my behavior or personality. How am I supposed to improve if I don't know what the heck is wrong with me?

Seriously, you don't know how much you have hurt me and caused me to change for the worse based on my social life. Thanks to that incident, I'm afraid of so many things.

I'm afraid to initiate a conversation.
I'm afraid of saying "Hey!" to people I know.
I'm afraid of saying anything hurtful that I'll keep my mouth shut and listen to you instead but in the end, you don't even talk.
I'm afraid of approaching people no matter how much I would like to get to know them.

And because of all these fears I don't get to get what I want.

I want to smile without being told I look like a giant.
I want to talk normally.
I want to make friends. New ones.
I want to be friendly.
I want to say "Hello!" to people and not have them look at me weirdly.

Another reason why I'm afraid.

What if I begin to try to change and people look at me weirdly and say really mean things? I'm not a strong person in that area. I know I'll just hit rock bottom again and refuse to float up even though a submarine comes down and asks me to get on.

I don't want to scare anyone. I really don't.

Please know that I really want to talk sometimes but I can't because I'm busy.

I'm sorry I look like this.
I'm sorry that I fear rejection.
I'm sorry I'm not as nice/friendly/pretty/mature/popular/perfect as my siblings.

And what's worse is that I haven't found someone who can bring me out of this state. I don't think anyone can.

Can they?

I hope hope hope hope so hard that I will find that someone one day.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Y, Why?

After looking at loads of blogs I realized that how mine looks like is kind of boring.

But seriously, I made this for myself so I guess it's okay.

I haven't posted anything up for a year. Probably because my sad life isn't that exciting. I prefer to just let them reside inside myself and slowly let it overpower my thoughts and soul.

The first 6 months of this year was awesome.

I was very hardworking. I was very disciplined. I was really fit. I had a good brain.

I had motivation.

But now, it seems like I lack everything. I feel like giving up and yet, this tiny person in my heart keeps saying "You know you don't want to give up." And I admit that this "person" is right. I must go on.

But I keep on failing.

It's no one's fault but mine. I am to blame.


Realization

The wind was there when the crying
clouds
were relishing its anger to the ground below.
The sky was there too, only
it was so high up that
the cloud never
noticed
the sky trying to ease its pain.
"Why can you only see an invisible
shadow, and not a nearby
shield?"
Let us wait,
Let us wait,
for when both wind and cloud realizes that
when the sky is
gone
so are they,
so are they.


I hope that I will be more positive. I will do my best.