Actually, I'm not sure how to start expressing myself right now.
There are so many things going on in my mind but I do know for sure that if I don't take this time to get all these things off my chest, I won't be able to concentrate and focus on my life.
I feel empty now with a tinge of sadness.
I feel like I'm just walking through life without stopping by anywhere to enjoy the flowers and other foliage.
My allergies are coming back and I don't know why.
It's getting harder to lose weight even though I'm trying my best to.
Well, maybe not my best but previously, with the same amount of effort, I'd be back in shape within 4 days.
It's like my own body refuses to listen to me.
I have always been very socially awkward.
Leave me with someone I barely know or even worse, someone that I do know and I won't know how to keep a normal conversation without going into "Urms..." and making a fool of myself in order to distract them away from the fact that I don't have any idea how to talk with them normally.
I can only talk normally with people that I am very very close to and even then, I mostly listen and I barely make any real eye contact with them.
I still fear that I am not someone that anyone would want to be friends with.
It's not like I'm unfriendly or anything.
I just found out that someone really wanted to be my close friend last year but because she thought that I was too busy/serious, she didn't dare to approach me.
Do I really give off that aura? Do I really seem that unapproachable?
I seriously envy anyone who can just strike up a conversation with anyone casually and then continue doing that every single day.
I have no idea how they do it and yes, I am extremely impressed by these people.
I do my best to show that I like talking with people and yet, whenever I start talking with anyone, they seem so shocked, like they don't expect me to converse with them.
In a way, that hurts.
I wish I could re-create this image or perception of everyone towards me.
Maybe, this is one of the reasons why I like him.
People are afraid to approach him because they think he's scary although he doesn't have such a serious problem with this as compared to me as he has always been in a co-ed school.
I know that there is really little hope for me regarding him but still a part of me refuses to let go.
I feel like a fool.
I've been listening to his favourite band recently and I don't know why but I feel like I'm invading his privacy.
The songs that I like touch me one way or another.
One of the lyrics go "I think of you from time to time and in between."
I can't help thinking how true those words are.
It's like I can't stop my brain from thinking about him even though I know that my situation is helpless.
Sometimes, I wish that I never did like him but then again, I feel so happy that I did like him.
For me, he really is a one of a kind person and I feel like I can understand him as cliche as that sounds.
Never mind.
For now, I'm just going to try to concentrate on my studies, as difficult as that is for now.
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