After The Storm

I thought that when PMR was over, I'd be extremely happy or relaxed or something.

Truth is, I'm even more restless.

What the heck am I supposed to do with my free time now?

I couldn't even enjoy watching TV and wasting my brain cells after the KH paper yesterday. I need to study. I want to study. But seriously, I can't cause.... that's the thing. I just can't either.

I got so used to going to the library every day that I actually miss sitting in our 'pengemis spot'. Truth be told, I miss sitting down and reading and answering all of my PMR model tests. Especially History for some weird reason.

At least now I know what I can do.

Only I'm not sure if I can finish this.

I know I'm going to miss this year a lot.

I only hope that whatever I do, it'll bring some where closer to knowing who I actually am. And not the facade I see in each mirror everyday.

Sometimes I wonder if everything I do is really worth it. I mean, improve in height, in my grades, in my drawing. Does it all really pay off? No matter how hard I try, I can never reach the top.

Or is it because I never try hard enough?

Why cant I ever make the first approach?

Sometimes when people come over and talk to others, seriously, I'd love to say "Hey". But the funny thing is, my brain stops my tongue by saying lots of things that could make an onion shrivel up on a doorstep as it is trodden on by elephants. When ever those times past by, I find myself wanting to slap my face till it scars. But I wouldn't do that. No. God does. And I wish Him to smack me harder.

For all I know, in 10 years time, I'll be the only one who's never been out with a guy, not graduate from university, and be living off my parents money. I don't want that to ever happen. It's such a burden.

What was today? It was St. Francis Day and honestly, it was better than last year despite the talk. It was better than most days.

I cant wait for PMR to be over.

Then I can rot my head in time for Form 4.

Okay that was a joke.

Never mind. I'll figure out what to do with myself after The Day.

The Mangosteen

It's difficult to ever say things I really want to say to anyone. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I'm scared. Scared of what exactly???? ....well there is something.

Probably scared of looking stupid. Scared of getting you all mad at me. Scared of ruining a friendship. Scared of rejection.

And so, this is the way for me to open up my shell and to tell how I really feel.

Cause seriously, I am a mangosteen.

And even worse, a coconut.

So before I crack and die from a breakdown, I might as well show the world who I really am. What I really feel like and what I want to do.

So you can 'b' me or say 'f' to me, but I'll survive in the end.

After all, who is perfect?