...

In such a weird mood now where I don't want to go forward or go back. I need to be blank, somehow, or at least that's what I feel.

Going to shower and then go to church.

Mental disorders

I'm scared of myself and my thoughts.
How did I ever turned up this messed up?
I honestly, don't know...
Why did someone as messed up as me get this wonderful opportunity to further her studies when so many other people out there deserve this chance more than myself.

I pity my parents a lot.
They got stuck with this kid, who's really good for nothing but just to think.

Why am I so bipolar?

Why do I go from one extreme emotion to a practically listless one?

I hate troubling others so much.
But I really wish there was someone I can depend on.

The truth is, I really don't see much point in me continuing to live because I won't be able to do what I want to do and what I should do instead is work as someone I don't want to become and as a result I'm not even concentrating on that because I don't want to do that which is really.... really bad

And even the thing that I want to do... I can't find happiness in it anymore because... because...
I get so discouraged when I see other artists who are much better than me and I begin to wonder, how can I succeed in such an industry?

I really have no talent.
All the so-called beautiful drawings that I've posted up are based on loads of calculations.

I.. there are so many thoughts in my head now.. they're swimming around and I really can't concentrate.

What can change this? What can bring me out of this?