I am not rich and my family isn't wealthy

So right now I feel like a freaking, stupid, idiotic human who doesn't deserve the wonderful parents I have.

What the hell possessed me into spending 220 Euros????????

It was like I wasn't even thinking.

I feel so disappointed in myself. I don't know why I was so stupid enough to let my guard and common sense down.

Luckily my sisters suggested that I could hand it back and I can't imagine why I didn't think of that in the first place.

So tomorrow directly after school, I'm going to try and give back the things that I bought.

Such unnecessary spending oh gosh.

You stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid fool.

Why did you do that???????????

Please God, let me be able to give them back. Please. Please. Please.

White hairs and other stories

Time for another rant.

First off; I have no idea what to do for my assignment. I feel so stressed at the fact that this time around I lack the confidence to actually pursue a certain goal or an objective for this assignment.

I mean, I have an idea about it but I have no idea whatsoever as to how to actually execute it while making it as creative as possible without losing the necessary data and values.

Where do I even begin?

Second; I just discovered that I have to find more documents for my residence permit and normally I wouldn't feel too stressed out about that but in November our class might have a trip to Berlin and I might not get to go since my appointment with the questura is in November and making the card might take up to one month.

Or worse, two months.

And if the worst case scenario happens, I won't be able to visit my sister in the UK for Christmas and that was the one thing that kept me going, that made me still strive to do well in my studies.

Oh gosh. Why oh why.

And the third thing can just be swept up into a pile that I'd like to call Small Nonsense that Doesn't Matter But Still Bugs Me. Oh gosh oh gosh.

I really think that I'd love to just sleep. When I'm asleep, I completely forget about reality and then I feel safe.

Why can't I ever feel safe?

Strangely motivated?

Sometimes I get to the point where I really want to achieve great success by becoming an architect.

Yesterday I arrived late for my design studio class and I think that I made myself memorable to my professor since I'm not from China despite my Chinese appearance and during the desk-crit yesterday he made more eye-contact with me when compared to my other team mates.

My first few words to him was "I'm sorry for coming late" and after my brief introduction and him showing interest in the fact that I come from Southeast Asia I said "Am I supposed to say anything else?" and then he said "If you want to."

And so I proceeded to say "I really like this studio...?"

He smiled and thanked me, saying that it was too early to tell but he appreciated what I said.

He was also impressed with my name somewhat as the way the way it's spelt was not in the usual way that he would pronounce things. Not like I'm making myself clear on what I'm trying to explain by that but I hope you get the gist of it... Somewhat...

And the thing that still remains in my mind is the fact that he smiled to me and said "You do know there's a famous person who has the same name as you?"

"Yes, she's from Mexico right?"

"Hahaha yes. Maybe there'll be a second famous person with the same name."

And I couldn't help but feel pleased and I thanked him rather happily.

Although he doesn't know that I intend to pursue a different direction instead of architecture.

But when I get into a project, sometimes I feel like I really want to make it work and become an architect but then again, that is more like a 'I really want this to be amazing' thing I have going instead of 'I really want to be an architect.'

He also said that we should keep a journal.

Little does he know that I have been keeping one AHAHAHAHAHA.

Anyway I'll be going off early to do some work in the uni's library since I'll be more spirited to do research there as opposed to me staying here, in my comfy room.

... Another one of those phases

I felt too tired today when I woke up and it's not like I even did anything big yesterday and I actually slept early so I really felt pissed at myself for not being able to keep myself awake during class.

And as soon as I got back I decided to take a nap before going to the gym but in the end I was too tired to go to the gym. I will go tomorrow hopefully.

And now I feel so... weird. I don't know what to call this phenomenon, the one where I go into a silent blue phase and don't feel like talking to anyone or doing anything productive.

It's always at that point that I decide to type these feelings out here.

Sometimes I really just feel like doing vlogs instead of writing things down but rationally thinking, there'll be a lot more responsibility going into that and by that I mean that whatever you say will no longer be anonymous and people could potentially hurt you or your loved ones with what you put up.

I really felt so unproductive just now mainly because I wanted to take a shower before I started researching but there're people out there now and I really don't feel like talking with anyone so I guess that I'll just do some research after this before I take my shower and hit the sack.

I really am starting to wonder who I am.

I know I'm a lot more comfortable with the way that I present myself now as compared to this exact time last year but still, I don't think I ever will.

Side note for a bit, have you guys read Lay's message on Weibo for his birthday?

And I'm don't know why but I really believe that we have the same brainwave length after reading his message. It's so considerate and sweet and extremely humble. He's so pure and fresh, do guys like him really exist??? I really wonder that sometimes.

I... I really need to concentrate on my goals here.

Every time after I watch or read something related to him, I always get more fired up to work harder so yes, thank you YiXing. I will do my research after this.

For now, that's the only thing that's able to get me out of this silent blue.

Yeah, I think that's what I'll call it. Silent blue.

I really wonder how people perceive me. Why? Because I really don't feel like I am truly myself except when I'm with my family members.

But anyway, I will get to work done now.

And I don't want to shop for anything more; food-wise and clothes-wise.

I live near one of my class mates and we are always awkward whenever we are alone together, I don't know why, so yesterday we were on our way home at the same time and then to get myself out I said I had to go to Carrefour and he said the same... So yeah.

He's a nice guy, it's just that I don't know what to talk about with him since we're both listening type of people.

That's it for now! Feeling much better somewhat. :)

Blue Monday

Initially I really felt reluctant to go out with my friends because A] I lost my ATM card yet again and B] I was really worn out from going to the lecture and seeing certain people that I didn't want to see.

But I went in the end, mostly because I wanted to live up to my promise of seeing my friends again.

It was great to really hang out with them and I kept thinking to myself, so these are my night hang out buddies, as stupid as that sounds but it is true.

Then two of them started to drink more and one of my other friends decided to take charge of the whole situation to make sure that they behaved themselves.

At one point when I got tipsy, we started talking about the people that we used to like in our course and then I said his name and then the in-charge friend said stuff about how they once hung out with each other and that he isn't the kind of guy to settle into a serious relationship.

What surprised me most is that she said that I am better than him and that it's good that I moved on from him. That was when I thought to myself that him getting another girlfriend was a blessing in disguise.

We ended up at their apartment since one of my drunk friends couldn't stay awake any longer and because I was afraid of going back to my place, I stayed over although one of my other friends started to get a kind of panic attack.

Needless to say, that was an experience I've always wanted to have and now that I have, I feel like I have lived up my youth just a bit but I know that I wouldn't want to do that over and over again. It's tiring and I'd rather sit in front of my laptop and draw or read manga.

Almost everyone was shocked with my appearance since I cut my hair short and I got a lot of nice compliments from a lot of people so it really boosted my confidence. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day since it's Physics.

Buzzed

At a friend's house.  Can't talk much now but I will do a report about this tokorroe tomorrow definitely.

Persuasione - Pagina Trenta Nove, Capitolo Primo

I will now do what Anne Frank used to do while they were in their Secret Annexe; translate foreign language into a language I know in order to learn that foreign language.

Took me 30 minutes to do just one page, a simple one at that, and I feel like I just want to give up but I'm just hoping it'll get easier along the way. I really hope that I'll be able to do at least 5 pages a week. It'd help me improve my Italian loads, I just know it.

And especially now that I have an Italian roommate, I kind of feel more responsible to learn their language.

So without further ado, I will post at least one of the pages I translated up here once a week to keep track of my progress and as a further revision.

Jane Austen - Persuasione (Persuasion)

Sir Walter Elliot di Kellynch Hall, nel Somersetshire, era uomo che, per suo divertimento, non prendeva in mano che un unico libro: l'Albo dei Baronetti. 
Sir Walter Elliot of Kellynch Hall, in Somersetshire, was a man who, for his own amusement, did not(? pretty sure he did take it in his hand =-=) took a single book in his hand: The Register of Baronets.

Leggendo con ammirazione e rispetto il limitato numero delle prime patenti di nobilita, egli si procurava un'occupazione per i momenti d'ozio e un conforto nei momenti difficili.
He read the limited number of the first patents of nobility with admiration and respect, and in doing so, he obtained a moment of idleness and comfort in a time of difficulty.

Questo libro mutava ogni emozione poco gradita, provocata dalle beghe domestiche, in pieta e disprezzo per le innumerevoli nomine dell'ultimo secolo, e se le altre pagine non avevano l'effetto desiderato, poteva sempre leggere la propria storia con inestinguibile interesse.
This book made each of his emotion become unpleasant, caused by the domestic squabbles, in pity and contempt in the countless nominations of the last century, and if the other pages did not have the desired effect, he could always read his own story with unquenchable interest.

Il volume preferito si apriva sempre a questa pagina, Elliot di Kellynch Hall <>.
In his colume of preference, he always opened this page, Elliot of Kellynch Hall <>.

Cosi appariva in modo testuale il paragrafo originariamente uscito dalle mani del tipografo, ma Sir Walter lo aveva migliorato aggiungendovi, per informazione propria e della famiglia, queste parole sotto la data di nascita di Mary: <>, ed aveva inserito con molta precisione il giorno e il mesi in cui aveva perso sua moglie.
Thus it appeared in text in the original paragraph made by the hands of the printer, but Sir Walter had added a refinement, for his and his ow family's information, these words under Mary's date of birth:<>, and had inserted the day and month in which he had lost his wife with great precision.

And that's all.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Man I'm slow at this but at the very least I'm learning new words and I can now understand more things. Hopefully this will become a habit and I won't spend too much time on YouTube.

Edit: Oh gosh, a heck load of words got erased cause I put it between '<>' so.... AHAHAAHAHAHA 30 minutes of my life wasted. And I don't think I'll be that diligent to type it all out again. Never mind, lesson learnt.